MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 06/07/11

Rough night. Woke up covered in Night Leeches. They swarm this time of year. The leeches attach themselves to any bare skin but they prefer the back of the neck, if available. Through the night they suck out good dreams and leave your mind filled with thoughts of sour janitor lockers and unturned welcome mats.
But they do have medical applications. I understand Night Leeches are used extensively in the treatment of severe mental psychosis and rampant limb twitching. So I collected them in a jar, put in a few childhood photos for them to feed on and set them on the window sill.
Selling the Night Leeches internationally online, I’d make a lot of money if they weren’t figments of my imagination.

NIGHTCAP 06/06/11

We all deal with disappointment in different ways. Some of us hold nothing back and begin strangling cats within moments of the initial disaster. Others are more restrained choosing instead to pursue long-term poisoning of their opponent as proper expression of their rage. Faced recently with humiliating, public defeat, I've refocused on my goals and sought out alternative paths to take. More than a few involve long stints operating my own highway Waffle House in central Indiana. Just as many require going by the name Alan Rodriguez while doing so. Not wanting to spend the money on change of address labels (and new book plates, for that matter) I've begun to question my goals. Why should a man desire to design his own activity placemat? Why not be happy with the thousands the world has...

EASTER BASKET CLARIFICATION

Allow me to clarify the previous post about an all-vinegar easter basket I received earlier this year. It contained bottled WHITE and APPLE CIDER vinegar in multiple sizes. Two 1 Gallon Jugs of each flavor, three 1 Liter Bottles of White, a 28oz Tall Boy of Wyoming Red APPLE CIDER vinegar and one 6 pack of lunch-sized Vinegar Shots. Ignoring the physician's warning label I consumed all of the above in one sitting. I have since gone legally blind and lost the use of my left hand during the morning hours. For this privilege I paid a German firm 300 euros to prepare the basket and send a lackey dressed as a German Easter Bunny into my room during the pre-dawn hours to deliver it while I slept. I paid extra to receive a kiss on the forehead prior to the delivery boy's exit, just as one would...

Survival Kit

After the recent severe weather, I’m starting to appreciate this Easter basket full of vinegar.

Morning Constitutional 06/06/11

It is not a quiet time. The annual dairy bar riots are getting louder. The parking lot dirt pilings growing higher. What really has me concerned, though, is the alarming number of high profile assassinations at graduation ceremonies this year.Until recently, they targeted vocal members of the school board or seemingly unrelated grounds workers. But as of last weekend, 13 graduates have fallen. 13 Salutatorians, 13 Impromptu memorials. The most awkward aspect is the necessity to complete the ceremony. The parents have assembled, the choir has been watered, there's no turning back. Usually the school superintendent makes some brief remarks about unpredictable twists on the road of life and holds another moment of silence. Then members of the track team get their diplomas early and are...