Jimmy the Bricklayer flooded his back yard in the hopes of attracting large savanna animals during the night. He created a watering hole for wild Zebra. Unfortunately he resided in Eastpointe, MI without color TV. All of the wild Zebras and Tiger Bears had been eaten by local religious zealots or gotten desk jobs in Toledo. Jimmy’s watering hole grew stagnant and dark. The only drinking from it was done by the feeble-minded boy who lived next door.

The construction and constant refilling of the watering hole was quite expensive and finally took its toll on Jimmy. Well we’ve all seen the headlines. The Cement truck company has plenty of insurance and the Zoo has taken up a collection to repair the walls. Ultimately minor concerns.

Despite his hopes, only a few large animals escaped from the zoo. None made it anywhere near Jimmy’s watering hole. Animal wranglers easily captured a rhino that was napping on a highway median. Two tigers were apprehended when applying for jobs at a Dairy Queen. The water buffalo collapsed of exhaustion only half way through the rubble of his cage wall.

Jimmy himself wasn’t so lucky. His cement truck careened out of control, the PCPs blinding Jimmy and he was thrown through the windshield after crashing into the Zephyr pen. Seizing their chance, the Zephyrs descended upon an unconscious Jimmy and began licking him with their tar paper tongues. They sought the precious salts contained inside his skin. Within 45 minutes, Jimmy was reduced to a half skeletal carcass and the zoo decided to close the attraction for the rest of the year.

The nuns that watch over the Zephyrs have known about their cruel hunger for years but keep it quiet for fear of upsetting children who so love the creature’s spots.

The city seized Jimmy’s house, drained the property and sold it to a man who doesn’t believe in clocks.

Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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