FORECLOSING ON BANK OF AMERICA

Florida couple Maureen and Warren Nyerges took their revenge on Bank of America after the bank mistakenly tried to foreclose on their home: They showed up at the bank with moving trucks and deputies, ready to seize the bank's property, WinkNews reported. The Nyerges paid for their house in cash and never had a mortgage, but Bank of America, which owned the house, made a mistake and began foreclosing on their home. The Nyerges fought in court for a year and a half before the foreclosure suit was dropped. Five months after the suit, Bank of America still has not coughed up the $2,534 in legal fees the judge ordered the bank to reimbuse the Nyerges for. The Nyerges' attorney, Todd Allen, showed up at the bank, along with moving trucks and deputies, demanding that they be allowed to seize...

The Curse of the Ojibwe

Many thousands of years ago Sir George Washington himself, our first and noblest grand chief, personally slaughtered all of the Ojibwe Indians.

I WAS THERE, I HAVE THE SCARS

I was there the day the county dumped all the arcade games into the lake. Let it be known. I can tell it cause I saw it. We spent all friday night driving throughout Macomb County, going to bars and pizza holes and party shops and the back alleys of closed down banks. We took up every single video arcade game in an upright cabinet, a table top unit and even those electronic dart boards. Just ripped them out of the walls. We left the claw games. The FEMA men gave no explanation on those. Then we pushed them onto this huge barge. Lined them up. And before pushing off, we powered up all these gazzoline generators. At least 50 of them. Lined them up near the back. And then they had us plug in all these video games. We looked like a floating goddamn carnival. After about 18 minutes travel I...

Nightcap 06/02/11

Wonder if there are any local Piano Drops this weekend. Piano Drops, you ask? That’s a family friendly event involving the dropping of perfectly good church and saloon pianos off tall abandoned buildings and/or bridges. If you pay extra someone on staff will take a Polaroid of you and the family in front of the impact zone and get the lift operator to sign it.
Even if he’s illiterate.

Absolute Power

The skill I'm proudest of is my ability to be mistaken for staff at various retail stores by fellow customers. It's always at the top of the résumé. I do nothing out of the ordinary. Maybe it's my respect for the shelf-item organization scheme, maybe it's an odor I cannot smell. Something about my face leads people to seek my assistance in locating the discount tool boxes or in seeing if we have the Pineapple Tablecloth in size XXXL in the back. The temptation to misuse this power is great. Too great. Sometimes I'll scribble out little vouchers granting them 90% off any item they can fit in their mouths. Other times I'll help them stuff single rolls of toilet paper under their shirt and point them towards an imaginary back exit. If I'm in a really foul mood, I'll march them through the...