Before you float Two Submarines. Submarine Number One contains a machine that produces an infinite amount of Cotton Candy. Dense, attic-insulation cotton candy. Nothing light. This machine requires no external energy input. No stinking kerosene, no radium cubes. It produces, silently and steadily from the moment the vessel leaves port. The cotton candy is good-tasting. It is sweet and invites a second helping. But sailors cannot live on cotton candy alone. Eventually you will tire of eating it, meal after meal. Your crew will also not appreciate its affect on their dental hygiene. (The machine also does not function well around citrus, so all lemons were left ashore, further contributing to gum deterioration - look don't question the science). Eventually, you will not be able to keep up...
Author - Chris Weagel
Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.
If I start up a discount electronics store I will have access to as many free economy-sized Microwave Ovens as I please.
The only downside is, I'd have to live with the appliances, making them my family. A cold, electric, probably Japanese-speaking family.
I already have enough Samurai uncles. I can't do it.
Your honor, I plead Guilty.
Animated turtles are celebrating new roast beef sandwich prices at a prominent national fast food chain.
They have no opinion on deteriorating relations with Pakistan.
Conclusion: Turtles have terrible priorities.
It has been brought to my attention that recent posts to this blog have contained numerous typographical errors. These errors have gone beyond simple misspellings, lurching into incorrect word choice, abusive capitalization and unnatural punctuation. While I make no apologies for any misunderstandings these errors may have borne in some readers' minds, I do regret the disappointment I encountered this past weekend when approximately 90 people showed up in my driveway expecting to take advantage of a discounted roast beef buffet dinner and carwash. The specific post - which many had printed out and were pointing to as a legitimate coupon - was actually intended as a full report on the status of coloring book subject matter in this double-dip recession. The presence of so many cartoon hobo...
We worked together as a community.Last night all the fine residents of Oak Grove Street gathered together, arms filled with Taiwanese fireworks.I brought out the old hot water heater.Lawrence, who works with knives all day, opened up its gut and we carefully stuffed it full of illegal, yet colorful, explosives.There were offers of prayer but no one thought it appropriate.We chose Alexander, the lumpy boy, to strike the match. He'll never understand what he did that night, but he sure had a big smile.When it was over, I went back inside, into the back bedroom. There under the bed, I told the 1988 Olympic Pole-Vaulting team that had hidden there, they could come out. Breathe fresh air.I'll spend the rest of the summer reacquainting them with the world. I'll explain cellphones and ATM...
Don't believe them when they say you'll have no use for that umbrella underwater.
You can still get them to open it up. Underwater counts as indoors (sorta). This will give your enemies bad luck and give you enough time to get the diamonds.
Ignore this sage advice at your own risk.
The lawn ornaments are restless.