Before you float Two Submarines.

Submarine Number One contains a machine that produces an infinite amount of Cotton Candy. Dense, attic-insulation cotton candy. Nothing light. This machine requires no external energy input. No stinking kerosene, no radium cubes. It produces, silently and steadily from the moment the vessel leaves port. The cotton candy is good-tasting. It is sweet and invites a second helping.

But sailors cannot live on cotton candy alone. Eventually you will tire of eating it, meal after meal. Your crew will also not appreciate its affect on their dental hygiene. (The machine also does not function well around citrus, so all lemons were left ashore, further contributing to gum deterioration – look don’t question the science). Eventually, you will not be able to keep up with the infernal machine’s output and its great sugary webs will threaten to suffocate and entomb all aboard. Your promotion will be jeopardized.

This cotton candy machine will only cease operation once you arrive at your destination, where piles upon piles of Gold, Parrots, and Free Orthodontic work awaits. This offer is only available for a limited time, so you must hasten your arrival.

Oh and one more thing: The faster you travel…the faster the cotton candy machine spins.

The other submarine is not nearly as fast. It has no carnival food machines, just simple canned goods. It will surely get you and your crew there in time for the gold and whatnot.

The only drawback is that you must undertake the entire journey seated next to a large, shirtless, sweating man whose talent is sweating.

Choose Wisely.


About Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn’t. He can’t stand that shit.

One Response to “MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 07/06/11”

  1. Maddie Seidel 07/06/11 at 4:06 pm #

    I like submarines, even though they do smell funny.

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