He stood before us, a man at the height of his power.
With precision and other-worldly grace, he lifted the children one by one and, in a simple turning motion, eliminated their ability to perceive the color yellow. Yes, this may weaken them in the face of certain tropical birds, but overall this blindness will protect them from the subtle marxism of lemon trees.
The challenges faced by the Professional Knife Thrower are many and great and often only tangentially related to craft. These include relations with in-laws, the ever-changing permitting landscape, balancing room humidity to keep target wood soft without increased risk of blade rust, and the constant request for free or “pro-bono” services. Often a thrower is attracted to the sport due to its thought-clearing focus demands. These unanticipated concerns cloud and distract the thrower resulting in lowered performance, disappointed audiences, loss of income and further social isolation. What are we to do with the dejected thrower? Confidence is hard won and quickly shattered. Austerity budgets have all but eliminated ceremonial throwers at civic events. Education and retraining...
We are nothing if not totally convinced we're right in this country. No doubts, no misgivings. No, sir. We stamp those feelings of discomfort right out. We know, deep down, there's no better use of our energies than storing millions of gallons of immigrant pee underground in huge tanks beneath public statuary. We understand, intuitively, almost from birth, that rich people are right to force unemployed fathers to eat old, stinking tires – the kind that go on cars, yes actual rubber and tar tires – in exchange for three more hours of heat. We encourage those relationships. Plant enormous beds of color-coordinated flowers in their honor. We in America give no credence to claims that people shouldn't buy smaller TV sets to keep their larger TV sets company. We...
Take some time out this January to join your local Ash Tray Society. Seek out others who share your dysfunction. Arrange to spend time with them alone in a secured space. Bring your most prized ash trays so that others may come to know your interests and respect them. And they will respect you. It won't be earned respect but obligatory, the kind a dog owes its master. Stand before them on the little stage built by volunteers and demonstrate your mastery of this subject. A mastery of glass ash trays. Ensure that they leave humbled. Then retire to the game room and ready yourself for challenge.
Accept bruises but demand submission.
My exciting new children’s television show is starting production. It’s called “Potential.” Kids are brought into an empty sterile room and faced with two balloons, one green, one orange. Upon picking up either of the balloons a door opens and an actor claiming to be their future self enters. The child spends the next 23 minutes sitting on his own knee listening to a long explanation as to why it ultimately made no difference which color balloon they selected as their fate was determined by a gigantic lottery-type swirling ball machine run by the Rockefellers, forever churning away in an underground pleasure dome just outside Mt. Carmel, West Virginia. And that, furthermore, they should enjoy the ice cream and model trains now as their destiny requires them to...
