We are nothing if not totally convinced we're right in this country. No doubts, no misgivings. No, sir. We stamp those feelings of discomfort right out. We know, deep down, there's no better use of our energies than storing millions of gallons of immigrant pee underground in huge tanks beneath public statuary. We understand, intuitively, almost from birth, that rich people are right to force unemployed fathers to eat old, stinking tires – the kind that go on cars, yes actual rubber and tar tires – in exchange for three more hours of heat. We encourage those relationships. Plant enormous beds of color-coordinated flowers in their honor.

We in America give no credence to claims that people shouldn't buy smaller TV sets to keep their larger TV sets company. We understand loneliness. We understand what it is to Know What to Do.

And we will not read your comment cards, no matter how nice the handwriting. No Thank You.

Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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