Week 4 of the Harpoon Gun Shortage. We’re gonna have to reason with these squids. They can breathe air and crawl on dry land. And according to the emails, they can control thunderstorms. In this kind of situation – God you just don’t know. First you couldn’t get the harpoons. The guns? Everybody had the guns. “My buddy Ken said he could make ’em shoot wax pellets. Hard wax. Just as deadly. I believe it too. But you can’t get no wax in January. The mines are frozen shut. Canned stuff’s covered in oils.” Then the guns disappeared. Folks feel embarrassed. They feel shame. To have a gun sit useless on the table or out nailed to the door where people can see. They can see your helplessness. They know “That Man has failed in life...

Finishing up day three of this Plague of Frogs and I'm feeling, just, well, discouraged. The frogs themselves are only a slight inconvenience at worst. Hey, I mean, now nobody questions my desire to carry around a parasol everyday.
It's just…originally, I had supported a Plague of Gophers…but Obama couldn't get it through congress.
It's a failure of imagination. That's what it is.

Most of the city's annual recreation budget has already been exhausted on statues of donkeys and repairs of statues of donkeys. Come April we're going to float a bond proposal for money to fly in actual donkeys and have them photographed next to the statues. The pictures will eventually be donated to local children's charities.

The best selling poster of 2012 depicts an uninterrupted field of neutral gray.

I remain a big fan of animals getting loose in thoroughly human environments. It's a moment of absolute terror and confusion for all involved. The animal, the humans, the relevant authorities. Everyone is reduced to quivering instinct and raw panic. All order breaks down. The beast is out numbered, surrounded by an alien landscape, yet still a deadly to man. No one knows what to do. As far as anyone is concerned, that escaped lion could wind up Mayor of this town. It's possible. Everything is. An ostrich could find itself superintendent of schools, forced to play out its three year term. Armed policemen could decide, “yes, this is it. This is my moment.” And strip down and join up with the orangutans. “Why not? What the hell does this badge mean, anyway? I want...