And while we’re on the subject of live mice working crossword puzzles…
The crisis in men’s wear cannot be ignored. Put down that baby and devote yourself to the revival of double-leather suspenders and sock garters. Sock garters! These exist! A human man thought them up and made them real. His care and concern brought them to us, so that we may be better. Now, because of other men’s thoughtlessness, the sock garter has fallen out of favor. From disuse it is mere steps to disgrace. Civilizations don’t combust, nor explode. They crumble. Each time you – yes, you – fail to dress your stuffed animals in sock garters, Western man is diminished. It was common practice in polite society for a man to stuff handkerchiefs into his cheeks each morning in hopes of impressing nature with his abundant bloat. He would take his meals this way...
The trick is to launch all of earth’s motorcycles – even the ultra-rare models once ridden by Charlie Chaplin himself – into the Sun all at once. Catch it off guard. It’s not the impact, but the surprise. That would shock the giant gaseous ball into showing a little humility.
Tomorrow dawns and with it another opportunity to ruin your life.
Popular paths to ruin remain investing heavily in stage-based and circus entertainments and ignoring God's warnings about that lump.
I go to bed each night expecting to wake up to this headline: Pogo Stick Factory Explodes, There's No Turning Back!
But instead, it's always: Pogo Stick Factory Working As Expected, Continue to Conform to Society's Norms.
And it's always a period.
It’s the blue school buses that worry me. The yellow buses, those I understand. The red buses, OK, fine, I get it, alternative high school, kids that refuse to speak English. It makes sense. Green military buses and black prison buses – they never had a chance. But blue? And it’s a deep blue. Very saturated. Most of the windows painted shut as well. Sometimes the tires, although that flakes. A blue bus does not apologize. No need. I suspect they park them underground or in tunnels. What’s inside those things? C’mon! What is this!? Theories as to the Usage of Entirely Blue School Buses in Contemporary American Culture The transport of extremely long, freshly-baked, still-cooling sheet cake to far-flung elderly populations. These cakes carry no decoration or...