It’s the blue school buses that worry me. The yellow buses, those I understand. The red buses, OK, fine, I get it, alternative high school, kids that refuse to speak English. It makes sense. Green military buses and black prison buses – they never had a chance.

But blue? And it’s a deep blue. Very saturated. Most of the windows painted shut as well. Sometimes the tires, although that flakes. A blue bus does not apologize. No need. I suspect they park them underground or in tunnels.

What’s inside those things? C’mon! What is this!?

Theories as to the Usage of Entirely Blue School Buses in Contemporary American Culture

  • The transport of extremely long, freshly-baked, still-cooling sheet cake to far-flung elderly populations. These cakes carry no decoration or icing, very low sugar/sodium and are extremely thin. 1/2 inch max. Very Dry.
  • As mobile calming centers for uncoiled, supra-long backwater snakes. The highway churning sensation connects with their inhuman nerve centers rendering them docile and unclenched.
  • As a poor-man’s Hadron Collider.

Or maybe it’s none of that. Maybe they’re filled with bus-drivers-to-be. New recruits being broken in. Back and forth, up and down, riding packed in tight, facing forward, totally silent.

Month after month of initiation. Hardening the soul to endless, pointless travel without a destination. The windows blocked out to keep us, the riding public, from seeing the tears.

Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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