Morning Constitutional 01/29/13

Confirmed, this is the future. We made it. We did, the Russians did, the polio virus made it too. You’ll notice the air has a permanent, faint cotton candy scent. God did that. Just a little pleasantry. You’ll also notice that All Your Enemies Have Been Vanquished. Yes, sir. You came out on top. There never was anything to worry about. They’re all writhing in a dark, fiery pit – that you don’t have to pay for, thank you. Smooth sailing and parades every day for you, that’s right. And all you have to do is, every day at noon, go up on top of that hill and ring the Liberty Bell. Ring it at least four times. Maybe five. Use this big mallet as a salute and honor to our relatives and their haircuts. Ring in freedom and justice done right so that all of us...

Morning Constitutional 01/27/13

The crisis in men’s wear cannot be ignored. Put down that baby and devote yourself to the revival of double-leather suspenders and sock garters. Sock garters! These exist! A human man thought them up and made them real. His care and concern brought them to us, so that we may be better. Now, because of other men’s thoughtlessness, the sock garter has fallen out of favor. From disuse it is mere steps to disgrace. Civilizations don’t combust, nor explode. They crumble. Each time you – yes, you – fail to dress your stuffed animals in sock garters, Western man is diminished. It was common practice in polite society for a man to stuff handkerchiefs into his cheeks each morning in hopes of impressing nature with his abundant bloat. He would take his meals this way...

Morning Constitutional 01/26/13

The trick is to launch all of earth’s motorcycles – even the ultra-rare models once ridden by Charlie Chaplin himself – into the Sun all at once. Catch it off guard. It’s not the impact, but the surprise. That would shock the giant gaseous ball into showing a little humility.

Nightcap 01/24/13

Tomorrow dawns and with it another opportunity to ruin your life.
Popular paths to ruin remain investing heavily in stage-based and circus entertainments and ignoring God's warnings about that lump.