Wheel barrel. Wheelbarrow. Wheeled Barrelled.
He pushes a wheelbarrow filled with nothing save two, loose, forever rolling ball bearings back and forth past our window, forever.
Q: Who is Death?
Correct. And that brings you up to -$1400.

It's late February. Time for a Lightly-Used Mattress Party!
Yayyyyyyy!
Keep flipping them til you find a clean side! No permanent indentations! Just the faint odor of power failure sleepovers and your last three cats!
Yay!
When it's all over, leave the mattresses at the end of the driveway with hand written “Please Take Me” signs on them and tell relatives sorry, they must be mistaken, you've never had a guest bedroom.
Oh well!
Then start planning that new Den/Lecture Room!

Tonight’s activity is covering yourself in wood. Anywhere there’s bare skin, slap on some wood pieces. Nothing fancy, just hunks and sticks and sheets torn from trunks and branches. No sanding. Rough. Visible bark. Use carpenter’s glue and rubber bands. After it sets, tear off the rubber bands and shoot them over the fence. Walk away slowly. Don’t run. Friction could ignite the kindling now stuck to your thighs. This new wooden suit of armor will require a lot of changes in behavior and attitude. It will require varnish. Possibly weather-proofing. But you will be better for it. A better man. If people ask, tell them you are Nature. Not of nature or from nature. Tell them you are Nature. Nature itself. They will fear your judgement. Many will assume you can now...

“The purpose of science is to provide humanity with stronger, more robust raisins and snack mix ingredients.” My father determined early on that you could spell all sorts of unpleasant words by typing certain sequences of numbers into digital display calculators and then turning them upside down to view. That's not why he got the grant money. He got the grant money – the money that sustained him and his family in a small, entrance-less barn yard outbuilding – for positing that one could predict the future by caring too much. Excessive politeness and mindfulness of the needs of others – helping them off the ground when their cane gives way, hugging their home appliances without being asked – can open up, Dad would say, “the vast, featureless...

I was told the internet has built a time machine solely so that people can post photos of themselves going back in time and hugging the inventor of the cowboy hat on Tumblr. Then I was told the internet is a great place to smell jerky burps. Turns out that’s true. Later, my Uncle Anderson was arrested for strapping an internet to his midsection, blindfolding himself, and running full speed towards a line of police officers screaming, “I WANT IT TO BE PART OF YOU, I WANT IT TO BE PART OF YOU!” Early the next morning I wrestled an internet to the floor and threw it up against the wall 6 times when I caught it stealing my wake-up dreams. It ran under the bed vowing to return with a motorcycle and three of its friends. Stepping into my own yard, which is normally full of...

The awful practice of scowling at cereal box mascots has struck our town’s brochures from Visitors Center’s Information Racks forever. We’re just not a pleasant people here. Many of us are part snake. Many of us go out of our way to draw angry/frowny face eyebrows and scowls all over public-facing magazine covers and dentist office waiting room brushing-encouragement posters. Many of us continue to support the drowning of artists festival. Local scouts earn a badge in it each year. Why are we like this? Why did we choose this path? Was it the gold? Was it?! Look, don’t come near us. Our mouths are filled with ash and if you ask us a question we’ll spit it all over your face and go for your wallet. We like the way they smell. The wallets. After they’ve...