What I'm envisioning is a Face-Sized Toilet Sticker.

An egregiously large sticker featuring exquisite line art of a Toilet Bowl and Tank.

Reasonably priced, of course...

The Old Van Wallace place is no more. It finally got swept into the river. The Old Van Wallace place was a two-story gray farmhouse from the end of the 19th century, cursed from the day it was built. Edgar Van Wallace positioned it deep in the woods of what was at the time known as Moravian's Dip. Dandavin County was split by the hated Clinton River which would flood each spring, summer, fall and winter. And there in the center was Moravian dip. The nearest road, if you could call a stretch of Indian graves a road, was named after a civil war uniform launderer name of E. E. Moravian. He built his foolhardy road right through the Clinton river to take advantage of the current in his washings business. At the lowest, coldest point - The Dip - where land was cheap and hard, Old Van Wallace...

I’ve arrived at that point in my life where I desire an animal-shaped mailbox. I need a free-standing, preferably solid concrete, mailbox to place at the end of the driveway, shaped like an animal with the mail-receiving receptacle in its mouth or belly area. I need this immediately. Cost is no concern. It does not matter if the animal is not native to these environs. In fact, it would please me all the more if it were from some exotic, far-off locale and its actual appearance in my neighborhood would be startling and dangerous to both the community and the creature itself. I want people to stare. (Not at me. At my mailbox.) I’ve narrowed the list down to three choices: Manatee Hairless Rhino Monkey Pile of Obviously Dead Lemurs I plan on ordering all three (they’re...

The cough drop industry has been revolutionized in recent years thanks to a series of breakthroughs in the flavor-glaze sector. No longer do cold sufferers have to endure a metallic berry taste in their mouths for days on end. Now, with approval from their doctor or rabbi, they can enjoy the smokey flavor of gas-grilled kielbasa sausages and deer steaks from their throat lozenge. They'll feel good and be pleasant to be around. No more locking the door from the outside for three weeks with a bucket and two copies of People Magazine to comfort you. No, with these great tasting cough drops you can be around people again. And tell them lie after lie about your cough drops tasting like expensive cuts of holiday meat and costing 5 times what those fancy Zinc-filled drops run. AND THESE PEOPLE...