MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 07/11/11

The cough drop industry has been revolutionized in recent years thanks to a series of breakthroughs in the flavor-glaze sector. No longer do cold sufferers have to endure a metallic berry taste in their mouths for days on end.

Now, with approval from their doctor or rabbi, they can enjoy the smokey flavor of gas-grilled kielbasa sausages and deer steaks from their throat lozenge. They’ll feel good and be pleasant to be around. No more locking the door from the outside for three weeks with a bucket and two copies of People Magazine to comfort you.

No, with these great tasting cough drops you can be around people again. And tell them lie after lie about your cough drops tasting like expensive cuts of holiday meat and costing 5 times what those fancy Zinc-filled drops run.

AND THESE PEOPLE, YOUR FRIENDS AND EVEN TOTAL STRANGERS, WILL BELIEVE THESE LIES.

Why? Because Americans are a hopeful people. Hope requires a large degree of self-deception. They want to believe in a better tomorrow because they are too stupid and lazy to do anything that would actually improve their cough. It’s easier than expending real effort.

NOW GO SIT DOWN!

About Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply