I’ve arrived at that point in my life where I desire an animal-shaped mailbox. I need a free-standing, preferably solid concrete, mailbox to place at the end of the driveway, shaped like an animal with the mail-receiving receptacle in its mouth or belly area.

I need this immediately. Cost is no concern.

It does not matter if the animal is not native to these environs. In fact, it would please me all the more if it were from some exotic, far-off locale and its actual appearance in my neighborhood would be startling and dangerous to both the community and the creature itself.

I want people to stare. (Not at me. At my mailbox.)

I’ve narrowed the list down to three choices:

  • Manatee
  • Hairless Rhino Monkey
  • Pile of Obviously Dead Lemurs

I plan on ordering all three (they’re available from the Lillian Vernon Catalog pp.65-67). After a test period of three weeks, I will make my final selection and grind the remaining mailboxes into roofing gravel.

Then after my first official mail delivery (consisting of a letter of complaint from the HomeOwner’s Association) I will smash this mailbox as well and request the post office burn any future mail due to sudden illiteracy.

[box] Related Lillian Vernon Items:
Engraved Pet Memorial Marker
Replacement Insert for Beanbag Chairs
Gift Card Maze

Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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