This fear of beverage-related appliances has ruled my life for far too long. No more. Today is a new day. Today is the day I call the industrial milkshake machine, plugged in, thrashing and running dry in my closet for over a decade: Friend.

Sara says: “I want a few words with this Mr. Santa Claus on where he gets his elves. I’d like to know how he keeps them from drying out. And does he cut off their tails or do they fall off on their own?”
“Either way, who gets that big box of tails?” Sara asks. “I better not wind up with them. I’ll sue!”

Jake says: “I just want to be treated as an equal. Or in some cases more than an equal — an equal plus one. Just a little bit better, because I’ve earned it. Better than you. Yes.”
“And I’d also like some more pop.”

Take the least popular candies from your cupboard. Probably the gummy things that taste like stomach acid. Leave them out on the counter for a few days. Let the air get to them. Make them shrivel just a bit. Don’t forget them. These are your new companions. Get a clean – clean – sandwich bag. Put no more than three of these candies in and wrap the excess bag around the lump. Make it tight so no lint can get in. Get a rubber band. Get one that came with the newspaper. So it’s a little less flexible. So it’s a little bit faded. Now breathe on it. Wrap it around the candies in the bag. Three or four times around. Real tight. You don’t want any of the candy salt to fall out. Put the whole thing deep down into your pocket. Keep it right next to a folded...

We have yet to face up to the above-ground pool crisis.

Not as many shopping carts filled with stuffed animals rolling around anymore. You used to see three or four of them drifting by thoughout the day. There would almost always be one stuck up against a tree on the weekend. The DPW would send a man out to free it on Monday. The carts themselves were usually from auto parts stores. If you got up close you could read the printing on the plastic parts. The metal was always hot to the touch, so nobody got too close. Besides most of them stunk. They had a very strong lake odor. The stuffed animals got soaked by rain and they held that water for weeks. Probably somebody complained about their effect on property values. I know one lady used to write into the paper with concerns about malaria, but I don’t think anyone took her seriously. My...