Take the least popular candies from your cupboard. Probably the gummy things that taste like stomach acid. Leave them out on the counter for a few days. Let the air get to them. Make them shrivel just a bit.

Don’t forget them. These are your new companions.

Get a clean – clean – sandwich bag. Put no more than three of these candies in and wrap the excess bag around the lump. Make it tight so no lint can get in. Get a rubber band. Get one that came with the newspaper. So it’s a little less flexible. So it’s a little bit faded.

Now breathe on it.

Wrap it around the candies in the bag. Three or four times around. Real tight. You don’t want any of the candy salt to fall out.

Put the whole thing deep down into your pocket. Keep it right next to a folded Kleenex.

Never change your pants.

Now you have a loyal friend who will never leave you. Who will be there when you need them. Who no one has to know about. Even if it all goes to hell, you still have your candies.

Your thigh heat will keep them edible.

Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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