Author - Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 08/12/11

Couple tornadoes hit the dance floor last night.

I've been wanting to get that out, publicly, for the last three years.

Now that I have...

...It's like the wrong end of a sugar high. I don't even want to get the T-Shirts printed up.

Think I'm gonna spend the day down at the drug store trying out band aids. See if they can help me figure out those butterfly-knuckle deals.

I'm leaving my phone in the drawer, so don't bother.

NIGHTCAP 08/11/11

It was just brought to my attention that I am in need of stronger, thicker lashes.

Eyelashes.

Which I thought I had removed by lasers last year but...

They grow back in little, ratty nubs.

Anyway, I need the stronger lashes to qualify for the Olympic diving trials. Always something.

STRING THEORY

Thick August fog rolled in this afternoon, reminding me of my time stocking cans at the local Spartan Store. The dangerous thing about a summer fog is the uncertainty it brings. You can't get your bearings, don't know where the driveway ends and the road begins. Makes you question your decision to purchase three slip n slides and leave em in the box all summer. It's little questions that pile up in a fog. Your mind drifts from concerns about deflationary measures taken by the Fed to more immediate concerns. Where are my keys? Did I feed them to a giant pink frog last night? And if so, how did he escape my dreams? Some questions have answers, though. How many loaves of bread will that local Spartan Store allow you to purchase before getting the sheriff involved? 87. How many loaves of said...

MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 08/11/11

I've taken to microwaving things again.

Family photos and important documents, mostly.

Got two microwaves going now. Oh yeah. One stacked atop the other. Got the second one online. Place out of Montreal. Real fine service.

Course, I'm taking my time now. One paper at a time. But come the holidays I'll ramp it up and zap entire bags of receipts in one go.

AND HERE'S MY SECRET: Before leaving for work each day, I set up two identical alarm clocks. One in the top oven, the other, in the french model below. I set em both on defrost for 4 hours and leave.

Each day I gain about 30 seconds. Come autumn and the daylight switch, I'll get an entire extra day.

Probably spend it working puzzles.

NIGHTCAP 08/10/11

Tonight's the night the space station releases their payload of 36 tons of old, heavy, glass tube TV sets. None are smaller than 24". They'll make quite a sight as they burn up in the atmosphere above North America. If you stay up late, and live in a remote area, you should be able to see most of it with the naked eye.

If you're really sharp, you might even glimpse the screaming visage of various celebrity comedians on the TV screens themselves as they realize the horror of their descent. NASA had their spirits trapped in the actual TV sets.

It also had enough extension cord wire to ensure the sets would stay on through most of their fall.

SENATOR’S HAIR

Thousands of years from now, when this culture of ours is being studied by the lizard men, heavy attention will be paid to one thing: The Cut, Length and Style of our most powerful Senators' Hair. But these future archeologists will make crucial mistakes in their analysis because they lack direct contact with the hair. Like scientists in our time guessing as to the texture and color of a dinosaur's skin, our descendants will have only speculation as their guide. Which is where I come in. As a service to the society of lizard men, I am leaving a record that clears up any and all misconception about our fine and noble senators' hair. I cut photos from popular news magazines and laboriously fill out index cards with samples taped to them if available. And, most importantly, I gather primary...

MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 08/10/11

I gave up the private detective business three years ago. I'm a different man, now. I have a family. I work on boats now. The big ships. I draw pictures of them and sell them to people that live in landlocked states. I have a future. I can't help you. I don't care about the package of feathers you received last week. You can spend your own time glueing them under your arms and taking photos of yourself in the mirror. I have old copies of the yellow pages to skim through and obscene last names to circle. Your "clues" are meaningless. There is no big secret going on. This is a quiet town filled with quiet people many of whom have forgotten how to speak altogether. The most they can do is make sorta whale noises, and not even with their mouths! There is nothing suspicious about that! They...

NIGHTCAP 08/09/11

What kind of world doesn't have computers? Computers do everything! They make ice. They make ice sculptures. Human beings were totally alone in the universe before the computers landed. They've shown us the way back to ourselves.

I love computers. I love to hug computers and tell them they are the best thing that's ever happened to me. I was thinking of giving the Nobel Prize to my computer for all the help it gave me on my assignments, and I just might still do that. I know a guy who's brother works for them.

Thanks to computers - and no thanks to wild animals - I can work all day in just my sandals. No more heavy boots.