Thousands of years from now, when this culture of ours is being studied by the lizard men, heavy attention will be paid to one thing: The Cut, Length and Style of our most powerful Senators’ Hair.

But these future archeologists will make crucial mistakes in their analysis because they lack direct contact with the hair. Like scientists in our time guessing as to the texture and color of a dinosaur’s skin, our descendants will have only speculation as their guide.

Which is where I come in. As a service to the society of lizard men, I am leaving a record that clears up any and all misconception about our fine and noble senators’ hair. I cut photos from popular news magazines and laboriously fill out index cards with samples taped to them if available.

And, most importantly, I gather primary research directly in the field. Due to my unique position as a Man of Letters I have security clearance for the entire Capitol building and all adjacent legislative offices. I am allowed to basically come and go as I please, even during the most sensitive of deliberations.

I have made it my goal to calmly rest my open right hand atop the heads of all currently serving members of the senate and associated janitorial staff for no less than 3 uninterrupted minutes. I will softly sing Motown Hits to calm a given senator if necessary.

And on my death bed I will instruct attending physicians/magicians to amputate said right hand and preserve it for reference and entertainment purposes for all posterity.

It is from examining, shaking, interviewing and mittening my disembodied right hand that the lizard men scientists of tomorrow will know the truth about the hair of the greatest US Senators of today.

And what makes you so great?


About Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

One Response to “SENATOR’S HAIR”

  1. Maddie 08/10/11 at 4:47 pm #

    Just sit quietly and listen to the music like a good boy, and everything will be JUST FINE.

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