The key to understanding the lunacy of the American workplace is that randomly throughout the day, large quantities of live snakes are dumped into the offices, cubicles and work areas. Workers and customers alike are left to deal with the chaos using push brooms and coffee creamer. The delivery system was created by some of the super villains that started PayPal. Closed circuit television systems allow bosses to evaluate worker ability and composure. Most of these reports go unread at this point, though, as the majority of the Managerial class in America long since turned to stone. More than likely a gypsy’s curse. Midnight janitorial crews have since faced the frozen execs towards blank walls. In other words: No one’s watching. It’s just you and the...
Archive - May 2012
Backyard Sponge Factory Plans 25 cents with this coupon.
Your primary concern with an over-sized* American flag is storage. It’s one thing to cover the front of your building, mother-in-law apartment, or used sofa pile with a 70′ x 90′ American flag; it’s an altogether different thing to store it, safely and legally. After observing proper folding techniques, it would still result in a coffin-sized section of cloth and would as such, overpower the conventional, “one garbage bag and then into the attic” approach. The obvious next step of two garbage bags, one coming from each side with a slight overlap, still fails with a flag of this size. A crucial midsection would remain exposed to storage mites and closet fleas. Patriotic ingenuity points us to a three bag solution. Before fitting on either end bag, a...
With Memorial Day upon us we spent the last few nights locking down and securing all of the valuables and electronics. Anything that contains metal, really. It can all go at any time, at any hour during the three day weekend. If it’s not taped down, it’ll get sucked up by the magnet trucks the veterans drive up and down the residential streets. Local ordinance says they get to keep whatever sticks. As a thank you for their loyalty and obedience, we extend them this courtesy. They drive slowly up and down both sides of the street, with ultra-high-powered magnets mounted in the truck beds. It’s not uncommon to see VCRs, dehumidifies, ceremonial swords, even orthodonitic appliances fly right out the window and into the nets of these vehicles. And if we hear their sirens...
I have these horrible dreams where I’m the terror of the New York publishing world.
And I can also hear penguins’ thoughts.
I wake up drained.
It’s not enough to possess a ceremonial cannon as an American. One must act on it. This is a rarity. Most countries only let you see a ceremonial cannon. You don’t get to keep it. Certainly never touch it and give it an affectionate name. Being given at birth an authentic ceremonial cannon fired by at least three separate Popes is a responsibility. The hardworking men that dig these things out of injun burial tombs all day don’t question it. They just dig, bare-handed, straight down til they hit a cannon or a horn. Ceremonial cannon ownership is nothing to take lightly. What a cannon wants, what society wants from a cannon, is to be fired. Loaded with rocks or handfuls of trucked-in Canadian garbage. And fired right back over the border or at least out far enough into...
All activities have been kept well within accepted social bounds.
Please accept your parachute with a smile.
It took humanity but one hundred years to develop the conditions where a special battery-powered cart to ferry around the excess flesh of the morbidly obese had to be invented. In another hundred, I expect humans to force themselves to concoct portable, wearable bathtub pants, with each leg getting its own drain.