It’s not enough to possess a ceremonial cannon as an American. One must act on it. This is a rarity. Most countries only let you see a ceremonial cannon. You don’t get to keep it. Certainly never touch it and give it an affectionate name.

Being given at birth an authentic ceremonial cannon fired by at least three separate Popes is a responsibility. The hardworking men that dig these things out of injun burial tombs all day don’t question it. They just dig, bare-handed, straight down til they hit a cannon or a horn. Ceremonial cannon ownership is nothing to take lightly.

What a cannon wants, what society wants from a cannon, is to be fired. Loaded with rocks or handfuls of trucked-in Canadian garbage. And fired right back over the border or at least out far enough into the lake that it won’t tear up our wading slippers. It doesn’t want to call you “StepFather” it wants to call you “Dad.”

Now go through this phone book and wake up all your neighbors and get a big group together to go fire shots at the abandoned, foreclosed homes. And when all the hobo cats come racing out of there because of the noise, have the adoption papers ready! These cats need a loving family, Right Now!

Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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