With Memorial Day upon us we spent the last few nights locking down and securing all of the valuables and electronics. Anything that contains metal, really. It can all go at any time, at any hour during the three day weekend.

If it’s not taped down, it’ll get sucked up by the magnet trucks the veterans drive up and down the residential streets. Local ordinance says they get to keep whatever sticks. As a thank you for their loyalty and obedience, we extend them this courtesy.

They drive slowly up and down both sides of the street, with ultra-high-powered magnets mounted in the truck beds. It’s not uncommon to see VCRs, dehumidifies, ceremonial swords, even orthodonitic appliances fly right out the window and into the nets of these vehicles.

And if we hear their sirens, according to the ordinance, we citizens are to stand facing the road in the front yard and fully absorb these magnet rays with our bodies as a sign of respect for Their Sacrifice.

Although no one has reported it first hand, rumors persist that the veterans return the metal to their VFW bars where it is consumed by crazed former air force members.

Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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