A representative from the Coast Guard returned our sleeping bags today. We had stowed away on their Crown of the Lake flagship back in June. For as long as I can remember, Agatha and I have had an obsession with search and rescue. We love the thought of lifting people up in nets and scaring off alagators with flares. We knew we could never pass the Guard’s physical and emotional exams so our best option was to sneak aboard and pretend to be lettuce scrubbers in the ship’s galley. Agatha figured we’d be out there long enough that we’d become friends with everyone and they’d teach us how to work the winch or pee using those astronaut toilets. It was gonna be great. Coast Guard ships don’t have galleys. As it turns out. Or at least the Great Lakes models...

The neighbors aren't interested in puppet shows. Nothing will change that.

Tonight on the show we continue our exploration of highway berm landscaping regulations. Later in the hour my guests and I will spend some time pretending to be turtles. Not young, cartoon turtles but those really old turtles kept in reserves that rarely move and get nicknames like Old Joe and Iron Frankie. We'll remain absolutely silent during this segment and shed much of our humanity. We welcome your calls. After that our Announcer and I will take turns describing the emptiness that pervades our existence and how culture, music, and the world's religions have failed to provide us meaning – much to the consternation of family and employers alike. Throughout I'll be making a stabbing motion uncontrollably in the air beside me. Then it's awkward one-sided...

Certain people have a very low threshold. They can be driven mad by the slightest effort. Their world is a fragile Christmas ornament. Staring at their neck can shatter their holiday. So can including asterisks on words inside greeting cards with no companion footnote. Calmly and repeatedly asking them if they need anything microwaved will reduce them to tears. Asking them for spellings of extremely common words drives them into uncharted madness. Making a big show of using the handicap automatic door doesn't go over well with these sensitive flowers. They feel the state should let them use that door too. Once they have snapped and are foaming and sputtering, you should ask them which unpackaged batteries are still good. Then tell them you're marrying their daughter. Welcome to...

You find yourself staring up at an enormous wall of board games. Sorry, Monopoly, Uncle Wiggly on and on. Around you, dozens are wailing, tearing at their clothes, chanting and rocking in silent prayer. You've used up all your vacation days and had to wash your feet in front of strangers. You don't talk with them. You're just here for the tournament. You stare up at all of it. You don't dare touch it.
You think, “There has to be more than this.”
The wall is silent.

Sometimes you have no choice but to make a mistake. Sometimes a trip to Meijer's is the best first date your tether will allow. Other times you have to swallow another Lego head to dislodge the first. So long as no one is looking, you can lick and replace each Funyun and still keep your diet.
Don't feel upset about this. You are human and only part of your genes come from mule.