Nightcap 11/18/12

The last living brontosaurus has been captured. We will now lead an expedition inside its belly to discover the mystery wisdom of the lizard men. Now, place your hand over my heart and we shall vibrate together and share a dinner biscuit of courage. – From a transcript of our Mayor's remarks at the municipal holiday tree lighting event this weekend. I'm proud to say we've mortgaged your children's future to purchase these marshmallow roasting pits. Although you may not use them, I encourage you to stare without distraction as I tear pages from these library books on eating disorders and cast them into the flame. We will not help you better yourselves. – From the same transcript, spoken by our Director of Public Works, to an ocean of gritted teeth and solemn...

Nightcap 11/17/12

The unquestioned hatreds of American culture. Let us revel in their sparkle.
We cannot stand those in our midst who insist that the log ride cannot go any faster nor should it. We cannot stand people that know how to operate calculators. We hate those who remind us we are not alone. We hate the tiny crown. We hate the feeling we get right after the memorial day parade ends. We hate getting stabbed with two knives when it could've been three. We hate dinner theatre. We hate the law of gravity and what it's done to our children. We hate that our inferiors aren't reading this.

Nightcap 11/16/12

Most honorable intentions I've had have been undercut by a weakness for giant posters of skulls.
Some of them are worth upwards of $80. They sort of sparkle as you look at them.
…Anyway I'm going to have to see your ID before you bring that eel on the bus.

Nightcap 11/15/12

Old Man Renshaw. That's tonight's Doer's Profile. He's dead. He just died. Police confirmed it this morning. Somebody called them to complain about all the bird activity over his house. It is a strange sight, hundreds of birds swooping and circling and perched up around his eaves. Sparrows have taken up on the shoulders of his scarecrows. Renshaw has two dozen scarecrows guarding his house. Many made up to resemble grown-up Peanuts characters. Usually they keep away birds and lizards alike. One moment it was a clear sunny day, the next the sky was blacked out. I knew Renshaw was dead. He didn't believe in deaf people. Renshaw didn't believe a person could be deaf. He didn't believe in the concept of deafness. “You and I both know you can hear me, you just...

Nightcap 11/14/12

Special diet with focus on eating cups of hair.
Followed by a look at live microwave juggling.
Then up close and in depth with the mind behind race car shaped beds.
And don't forget our nightly tradition of wiring jaws shut and peeing where we please.
There's no stopping any of this.