The last living brontosaurus has been captured. We will now lead an expedition inside its belly to discover the mystery wisdom of the lizard men. Now, place your hand over my heart and we shall vibrate together and share a dinner biscuit of courage.
– From a transcript of our Mayor's remarks at the municipal holiday tree lighting event this weekend.
I'm proud to say we've mortgaged your children's future to purchase these marshmallow roasting pits. Although you may not use them, I encourage you to stare without distraction as I tear pages from these library books on eating disorders and cast them into the flame. We will not help you better yourselves.
– From the same transcript, spoken by our Director of Public Works, to an ocean of gritted teeth and solemn nods.
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