Nightcap 11/01/12

Tonight on the show we continue our exploration of highway berm landscaping regulations. Later in the hour my guests and I will spend some time pretending to be turtles. Not young, cartoon turtles but those really old turtles kept in reserves that rarely move and get nicknames like Old Joe and Iron Frankie. We'll remain absolutely silent during this segment and shed much of our humanity. We welcome your calls. After that our Announcer and I will take turns describing the emptiness that pervades our existence and how culture, music, and the world's religions have failed to provide us meaning – much to the consternation of family and employers alike. Throughout I'll be making a stabbing motion uncontrollably in the air beside me. Then it's awkward one-sided...

Nightcap 10/31/12

Certain people have a very low threshold. They can be driven mad by the slightest effort. Their world is a fragile Christmas ornament. Staring at their neck can shatter their holiday. So can including asterisks on words inside greeting cards with no companion footnote. Calmly and repeatedly asking them if they need anything microwaved will reduce them to tears. Asking them for spellings of extremely common words drives them into uncharted madness. Making a big show of using the handicap automatic door doesn't go over well with these sensitive flowers. They feel the state should let them use that door too. Once they have snapped and are foaming and sputtering, you should ask them which unpackaged batteries are still good. Then tell them you're marrying their daughter. Welcome to...

Nightcap 10/30/12

You find yourself staring up at an enormous wall of board games. Sorry, Monopoly, Uncle Wiggly on and on. Around you, dozens are wailing, tearing at their clothes, chanting and rocking in silent prayer. You've used up all your vacation days and had to wash your feet in front of strangers. You don't talk with them. You're just here for the tournament. You stare up at all of it. You don't dare touch it.
You think, “There has to be more than this.”
The wall is silent.

Nightcap 10/29/12

Sometimes you have no choice but to make a mistake. Sometimes a trip to Meijer's is the best first date your tether will allow. Other times you have to swallow another Lego head to dislodge the first. So long as no one is looking, you can lick and replace each Funyun and still keep your diet.
Don't feel upset about this. You are human and only part of your genes come from mule.

Nightcap 10/28/12

Rebecca the neighbor lady cuts hair in the front yard. She does it as a challenge to the local Sanitary Board. She has no permit nor license and she never will. She leaves the cut hair on the grass to delight the mushroom people. Her favorite customers are the blind. People born without sight, those with a heavy prescription and local martyrs who've stabbed out their eyes during municipal passion fits. Rebecca takes a lot of pride in making them look respectable and drawing attention from their eye holes. She accepts their money but secretly safety pins it back onto their sweaters as they go. The county Barber Board (plenty of overlap with the Sanitary and Wiping boards) objects to all of this. They don't like Rebecca's lack of a ceiling. They don't like her cavalier...