Nightcap 11/20/12

We had another burning today. They finally got Old Boxcar Henry. This town’s never had a tolerance for a man who’s good with apples. Of course the state doesn’t step in. It’s unofficial policy at this point. We keep sending them buckets of these fancy stones and they leave us alone. He screamed like a goddamned pie being baked. One of them pies that bursts open with snakes streaming forth, each one blind and unable to taste. This is what is called justice here. Here on the shores of the greatest of lakes. That’s not what we’re here to talk about. It’s time we reevaluated our goals as a people. A good third of us is hell bent on using science to breed men with zebras. To bring forth a generation of folks invisible to conventional radar but still...

Nightcap 11/19/12

What child doesn't dream of a pet elephant? Probably the kind that grew up on a one way street and wasn't allowed to touch balloons until later in life. We all try to make the best choices. Renaming all the crayon colors to either “Red” or “Not Red” had the intended effect: A generation allergic to compromise. Letting them watch you kick the dog has given us a nation of people immune to raccoon bites. And now that we need them, now that we are weak, now that the empire is crumbling and the sewers won't respond – these creatures have gotten their collective arm stuck in the cigarette machine, desperate for just one more thrill, preoccupied with someday getting their or their motorcycle's picture on a stamp. Nothing is more worthless than a...

Nightcap 11/18/12

The last living brontosaurus has been captured. We will now lead an expedition inside its belly to discover the mystery wisdom of the lizard men. Now, place your hand over my heart and we shall vibrate together and share a dinner biscuit of courage. – From a transcript of our Mayor's remarks at the municipal holiday tree lighting event this weekend. I'm proud to say we've mortgaged your children's future to purchase these marshmallow roasting pits. Although you may not use them, I encourage you to stare without distraction as I tear pages from these library books on eating disorders and cast them into the flame. We will not help you better yourselves. – From the same transcript, spoken by our Director of Public Works, to an ocean of gritted teeth and solemn...

Nightcap 11/17/12

The unquestioned hatreds of American culture. Let us revel in their sparkle.
We cannot stand those in our midst who insist that the log ride cannot go any faster nor should it. We cannot stand people that know how to operate calculators. We hate those who remind us we are not alone. We hate the tiny crown. We hate the feeling we get right after the memorial day parade ends. We hate getting stabbed with two knives when it could've been three. We hate dinner theatre. We hate the law of gravity and what it's done to our children. We hate that our inferiors aren't reading this.

Nightcap 11/16/12

Most honorable intentions I've had have been undercut by a weakness for giant posters of skulls.
Some of them are worth upwards of $80. They sort of sparkle as you look at them.
…Anyway I'm going to have to see your ID before you bring that eel on the bus.