We're running out of holidays to condemn.

I've taken it upon myself to write original songs inspired by the lesser-loved items on the Burger King drive thru menu. The Walnut Cups, Fried Olives, Highway Safety Sticker Packs, and so forth. I won't be posting them here, but will instead mail recordings of them to senators, along with photos of each of you.

Taffy Pulling Machine.

Preacher says, time and again, the only folks who can be trusted were born with twelve fingers and probably smell like cotton straightener. As for the rest of these monsters – the ones that surround us all the time always – he suggests using electrical tape to stick lists of their deficiencies to their backs to free up space in your mind’s limited memory chambers, filling them instead with photos of sharks.
He also advocates tearing dogs in half in the hope each end grows a new dog, rebuilding his army without additional cost.

There are many opportunities in this great land for a young man to try his hand at, many careers that could help you find your fortune, many jobs you could enjoy for great success including:

Man Who Touches Stomach
Man With Boots
Electricity Spinner
Annointer of Woods
Man Who Draws Q
Step Counter
Balloon Inspection
Color Light Show Man
Brother of King
Happy Thought Boy
Magnet Chief
Secret Swallower
Man Who Holds Goose
Ambassador to Snakes
Juice Master
Zebra Stripe Painter
Shadow Trapper
Potion Taster
Microwave Oven

Backyard statuary permitting process. And The Shopping Cart Question.