I do not understand Birds. As a species they are incomprehensible to me. The closest I've come is deciphering what a chicken might be thinking. I suspect they're focused on Oil Futures trading, but even that I can't be certain about.
Sparrows, penguins, hawks, and hummingbirds I have no connection to.
Even Gray Parrots - the same birds whose intelligence powers our smartest super computers - are a mystery.
I may have a learning disorder.
Every night I tune into my local TV Newscast and am consistently disappointed.
What I want is simple. I want the news delivered in a calm, factual manner by large industrial appliances speaking in computer language. Beeps and boops, that sort of thing. No english words.
No subtitling either.
What will be remembered about American culture thousands of years from now?
Guaranteed, when the people of Tomorrow think about the people of Today they will think of the feeling of mild nausea one gets when gazing at an aerial photo of a shopping mall.
Robert "Bobby" Kmetz was born a Nintendo Superstar. The doctor called it in the delivery room. You and I have preconceptions of just what a "Nintendo Superstar" is. We know that such an individual is incredibly gifted at playing any and all Nintendo-themed Video Games. We know such a person is impossible to photograph - the photochemical process just doesn't work with the light they reflect. We know they eat only vanilla everything. No additional flavors in their diet. We all know the score, so to speak. What set Bobby "The Capt of Quarters" Kmetz apart from fellow Nintendo Superstars of his generation, though, were his emerald green eyes. With them, he could see through Nintendo games (and phonebooks, although that had limited application). He could envision, just by staring at the game...
But he looked like a sailor.
(And he had these hideous wings like a llama bug.)
On this horrible morning when we wake to find that last night did happen. That we did, as a nation, in fact, elect a gigantic, man-eating Spider as President. That we did not simply hallucinate this, poisoned by the overconsumption of store brand frozen waffles. That we have a fearful 80 years ahead of us - all of us, even the elderly thanks to the Spider's Miracle Life-Extension Technology - 80 years ahead of us folding and unfolding napkins into designs and patterns that amuse this Spider's wife. That yes, goddamnit, Ralph Nader was right. When we awaken to the fact that a right healthy majority of us Americans thought we were electing one of those happy, cuddly Muppet spiders but instead got one of those creepy, rubber-toy H.R. Geiger spiders ruling over us virtually unopposed, why the...
