On this horrible morning when we wake to find that last night did happen. That we did, as a nation, in fact, elect a gigantic, man-eating Spider as President. That we did not simply hallucinate this, poisoned by the overconsumption of store brand frozen waffles. That we have a fearful 80 years ahead of us – all of us, even the elderly thanks to the Spider’s Miracle Life-Extension Technology – 80 years ahead of us folding and unfolding napkins into designs and patterns that amuse this Spider’s wife. That yes, goddamnit, Ralph Nader was right.
When we awaken to the fact that a right healthy majority of us Americans thought we were electing one of those happy, cuddly Muppet spiders but instead got one of those creepy, rubber-toy H.R. Geiger spiders ruling over us virtually unopposed, why the only possible reaction – the only sane course of action – is uncontrolled eating so as to render our fingers too fat to fold napkins and thus drive these monsters out in sheer frustration.
I’ll start the pancakes.