Robert “Bobby” Kmetz was born a Nintendo Superstar. The doctor called it in the delivery room.

You and I have preconceptions of just what a “Nintendo Superstar” is. We know that such an individual is incredibly gifted at playing any and all Nintendo-themed Video Games. We know such a person is impossible to photograph – the photochemical process just doesn’t work with the light they reflect. We know they eat only vanilla everything. No additional flavors in their diet.

We all know the score, so to speak.

What set Bobby “The Capt of Quarters” Kmetz apart from fellow Nintendo Superstars of his generation, though, were his emerald green eyes. With them, he could see through Nintendo games (and phonebooks, although that had limited application). He could envision, just by staring at the game cartridge, which buttons to push and when to push them. This set some game manufacturers on edge.

More alarming, however, was Bobby’s ability to completely remove his green eyeballs altogether, and set them down and still receive visual images in his brain(!). And the eyeballs burned anyone’s hands but Bobby’s if you tried to grab them. You also couldn’t drop anything on them or run them over because of a terrible forcefield Bobby enacted around them with his mind.

Well National Security was at risk. Even Great Father Reagan was scared. Up until Bobby “The Dirty Dealer” Kmetz’s arrival, no one had thought much of Nintendo or Video Game culture. Now we knew their dangers. The horrible potential they can unleash in a young man.

A deal was struck with Bobby K. (who at this point also had flames shooting from his eye sockets when his eyes were gone and emitted a stink like the devil’s own breath). The Federal Government granted him exclusive use of the state of Kansas in exchange for peace and stability and help with the Soviets.

No sooner had Grand Man Superscore Kmetz had set himself up in Kansas, though, then the National Audubon Society – working on orders from the Pentagon – released thousands of hummingbirds – Bobby’s only known weakness – over state lines, which tore the flesh from Bobby’s bones as he stood laughing surrounded by millions in cash.

Shortly thereafter, the UFOs landed openly on live TV and Congress outlawed all and any videogames (from Nintendo and all other manufacturers)…

…and that’s why we all live in unheated caves to this day.

Thank you, Bobby Kmetz and to your eyeballs, for alerting us to the true danger Nintendo Videogames pose to mankind.

About Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn’t. He can’t stand that shit.

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