Smiling Nitwits are my niche specialty in the Stock Photography World. I handle costuming, location scouting, scenario development and talent-prodding. I photograph them using all digital equipment that requires little touch-up after the fact. These photos are used on everything from Banking websites to Sweatshirts for the infirm. My bestsellers are photos of happy-go-lucky dimwits enjoying beverages with straws. Second to those are brainless shits grilling meats in backyards. Surprisingly, shirtless men covered in welts surrounded by dogs come in third. I don't question any of it. Stock Photography creation is an amoral pursuit. You do it and it is done. Your work may be used to promote a charity or a credit scam. It is not your concern or worry. Next week I take the smiling nitwits to a...
The fish are on fire! The fish are on fire!
[Turns out the fish are on fire.]
We're going to start putting everything - and I mean everything - into sensible plastic tubs. With lids. I've bought hundreds of them. All sizes. The rest are getting donated. Everything gets put in a stackable plastic tub, that's clearly labeled. Shoes, pens, lego blocks, extra door knobs, fresh lettuce, the couch, all of it. I'm sick of living like a dog! I will have order. All order based on a grid! Everything in a space all its own. And when one goes missing, when one thing hasn't been checked out according to procedure, I will know. And I will punish the fool who disrupted my order. I will break their smile. I do this for my sanity's well-being as well as my items' well-being. My collection of little porcelain sleeping raccoons will have a little house that doesn't let in fresh air...
My computer chip-enabled band-aid brand bandages offer the wearer the soothing sounds of their favorite Television Show Theme Song with just a gentle tap on the bandage's spongy-square surface. The receptor in this area is extremely sensitive and can often be triggered by the brushing of clothing or a cruel pinch from a rambunctious sibling. If you're suffering from a splitting headache or just tire of hearing the Rockford Files theme song but still need to cover an un-healed flesh gouge you can switch the bandage's computer chip into ICU mode. Now, instead of a TV theme song playing when touched, your bandage will softly emit Guinea Pig sounds steadily throughout the day. The gentle, confused, thoroughly non-human chirping sounds of the Guinea Pig will calm your nerves and provide a...
I've taken to hiding little sugar packets around the house as a way of cheering up my future self. The way I figure it, sometime next February, while I'm fighting a losing battle scrubbing carpet stains or feverishly highlighting every other line in my encyclopedias to render them unsellable on the black market and thus immune to theft, I might need a little pick me up. I hide these little sugar packets everywhere. Taped under tables, stashed under cushions, secured in sandwich bags floating in the toilet tanks. And since I never have company there won't be any awkward questions and any awkward explanations followed by any awkward requests that they leave abruptly, no matter their larger travel plans. When I'm feeling blue, I'll place the entire packet into my mouth - opening it risks...
