I’ve taken to hiding little sugar packets around the house as a way of cheering up my future self. The way I figure it, sometime next February, while I’m fighting a losing battle scrubbing carpet stains or feverishly highlighting every other line in my encyclopedias to render them unsellable on the black market and thus immune to theft, I might need a little pick me up.

I hide these little sugar packets everywhere. Taped under tables, stashed under cushions, secured in sandwich bags floating in the toilet tanks. And since I never have company there won’t be any awkward questions and any awkward explanations followed by any awkward requests that they leave abruptly, no matter their larger travel plans.

When I’m feeling blue, I’ll place the entire packet into my mouth – opening it risks spillage. Quickly my juices will dissolve the decorative paper packaging and then absorb the fine white crystals directly into my brain. I will go blind for just an instant. Then I’ll have at least 15 minutes of serene confidence. More than enough time to finish counting the spoons or unfolding and folding the fancy tablecloths that don’t get used.

The best part is that you can get these sugar packets for free at most restaurants! You don’t even have to get a table or make eye-contact with the staff. The packets are there for the taking (along with silverware, plates and booth cushions).

In the end, we all need a little help now and then to make it through the dismal, cold, winter months. And if you’re too scared to make the jump into full blown crack addiction, refined sugar packets, hidden all over the house and taped in a ring around your waist, can provide relief without rousing indictable suspicion among the neighbors.


About Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn’t. He can’t stand that shit.

2 Responses to “MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 08/01/11”

  1. Ron Watson 08/01/11 at 11:25 am #

    Yes. Wintertime is stressful on all of us. I hope it stops soon.

  2. Maddie Seidel 08/01/11 at 12:03 pm #

    I have a couple of questions about this activity o’ yourn:

    1: What types of sugar packets are you stashing away?

    2: Are you using only REAL sugar, or are you also hiding aspartame filled FALSE sugar packets?

    3: If you are using FALSE sugars, how are you going to deal with the whole “aspartame never leaves your system” problem?

    4: Is it true that false sugars make your teeth boil?

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