As I’m sure you’re aware, The Trial of Jon VanTorre ended in a mistrial when the Judge suffered a near-fatal snake bite shortly before closing arguments. As of this writing, the Judge has yet to regain total control of his wrists and left hand fingers. A circuit Judge came down the next day and released V on bail and lawyers began debating dates for a new trial sometime next year. Although he was not shackled at the time, V requested that he be placed in shackles so he could burst through them while on the court steps. Cost of the cuffs and chains were to be billed to me, Chris Weagel. V immediately chartered a small plane to the islands, determined to bring about justice himself and collect the head of one Professor Dandenson as well as the rumored Gypsy Stone itself. He left...
Since May I’ve been carrying around a small, travel-sized cooler. It’s usually in the car but sometimes I take it into dressing rooms and public washrooms with me.
I don’t keep food or medicine in it. Instead, I use it store and transport valuable stickers. Mostly the shiny kind that display different types of anthropomorphic food when looked at from various angles.
Oh, no I don’t ever open it for strangers. Please stay back.
I have half-a-mind to write the BipCo Corporation about the Sub-Par Construction of their Happy Time Ice Cream Sandwiches. As I was enjoying one, it burst into flames on the second bite.
Others are inclined to blame the sandwiches side-mounted gas tank, but I suspect its the volatility of BipCo’s vanilla ice cream reacting to my oxygen tent’s environment.
Plus the cookie just sticks to everything. It’s all behind my ear…
It has been brought to my attention that a recent post here on the Smile at the Infirm Day celebration contained an erroneous spelling of the common farewell, “Toodles.”
In his excitement, our author used a second “T” instead of the correct “D”.
Our apologies.
THINGS THAT CAN NO LONGER BE SETTLED WITH A NICE, FIRM HANDSHAKE:
Giraffe Theft
Star Trek Poster Defacement
Including 2 Canadian Pennies in the middle of a roll intended for deposit
Unlevel sidewalk blocks
Painting anything besides an American flag on your garage door
Being Born Cross-Eyed
Genocide
Another “Smile at the Infirm Day” wraps up but there’s plenty of work left for the sweeping crew. Each year the city dumps over 400 pounds of confetti during the final half hour of the Smiling and demands that the roads be drivable by morning. What stood out this year was the deep sincerity of the smilers. Each one of us was truly happy to be there, looking directly at those in our community who go most unwashed. No sight of electronic collars or tethers among the smilers, sure signs the smiling is being done at the behest of a court order. 2011’s smilers brought genuine good cheer and good wishes that will last well into the hard winter months ahead. The Town Clerk marked the end of the smiling with a customary pistol shot. And with that sound, the caretakers...