Each house in the neighborhood has a yard. Each yard has a fence. Behind each fence is a dog. Inside that dog’s mind is the unknowable. But inside the stomach of the dog that is behind the fence in the yard of the house three blocks due west of here, on Arcadia street, sits Smokey Joe. That’s where he lives now. Inside the belly of a great dane named Ricki. It wasn’t always like this. I can recall times, not long ago, when Smokey Joe used to come around all the time, with stories and sing-a-longs and recipes for homemade candy we could try ourselves. A cross between hobo-clown and adventurer, philosopher and forest-man, never seen with less than a day-old scruff and sunny, blue eyes, Smokey Joe was always there with a banjo and a sack of fresh okra, just in case any one...

There is a local hero name of Jasper Indictus. He does not believe in water. Hasn’t had a drink in over 45 years. Not since his mother forced him to swallow a glass of water on his 3rd birthday has old Jasper let H20 pass his lips. When asked, Jasper claims he “just doesn’t trust the stuff.” He says, “I can see through it and it don’t taste like nothing, but sometimes it’s shiny. Must be some kind of metal in there that shines. Probably put in by robots who want us to turn into robots like them and lose our humanity and our capacity to love.” Nature seems to agree with Indictus as it’s let him survive all this time without internal moisture. Doctors say it’s all a lie, that Jasper really just sleeps outside with his mouth open...

MANFRED THE GOLDEN CHILD! MANFRED THE GOLDEN CHILD!
His brand new Noodle washing shop has just opened! Today only, bring down your noodles (and General Mills brand cereal bits) and he’ll wash the first pound FREE!
And Manfred washes them with his bare hands. No machine ever touches your noodles!
Manfred was born with four arms so your noodles will be four times as clean in 1/4 the time as competing Noodle Wash outfits.
Despite his success, it’s still tough finding quadruple-sleeved shirts for his unique frame. So don’t be alarmed to see Manfred working shirtless!
He’s promised to get a full-torso shirt (or better, a sweater) before Christmas!
What a great day for the community!

Local state senator and all around family man, Bill “Billy” Bankus is having another of his yearly rallies to promote the adoption of an extra calendar day for August. His “August 32nd” event always draws a large crowd due to voters’ inherent distrust of contemporary calendars and the free potato salad. Sen. Bankus himself is so buoyed by the event he even takes all of the mothballs out of his mouth before delivering the capstone speech rallying against “the east coast and its wicked calendar.” Even his dead left foot starts twitching as the crowd’s rage and excitement boils over and the group vomiting begins. Everyone knows the senator’s initiative is going nowhere as by this point in the season, the local car washes have already...

Choir Master Margaret Ames has finally broken her silence on mustaches: They will not be tolerated on her singers.
You may begin reviewing your plans and redeploying resources as necessary.