There is a local hero name of Jasper Indictus. He does not believe in water.
Hasn’t had a drink in over 45 years. Not since his mother forced him to swallow a glass of water on his 3rd birthday has old Jasper let H20 pass his lips.

When asked, Jasper claims he “just doesn’t trust the stuff.” He says, “I can see through it and it don’t taste like nothing, but sometimes it’s shiny. Must be some kind of metal in there that shines. Probably put in by robots who want us to turn into robots like them and lose our humanity and our capacity to love.”

Nature seems to agree with Indictus as it’s let him survive all this time without internal moisture. Doctors say it’s all a lie, that Jasper really just sleeps outside with his mouth open and swallows rain and bugs during the night.

I don’t think that’s the case. Jasper sleeps outside, true, but that’s just because he doesn’t trust roofs.

“The roofs. I don’t like ’em. Always covering something up. What are they hiding? People’s activities from the gods? Gods’s got a right to see down into people’s homes. See what they’re up to. See if they’re building a rocketship with which they could escape from this earthly prison and fly up to heaven and beat up them gods, if’n they had a mind to.
Nope. Too many secrets with roofs. Need to keep things open and free. I like a snow-filled living room. I like it when snakes fall down from space and you can catch ’em right in a frying pan and have a nice supper or put ’em in tank and observe ’em for a while.”

He continued, “See if them snakes are really people in disguise. See if they change back before your eyes. And if they do will they still have scaly reptile skin? And if so, will they let you touch et for a dollar?”

“Then again, I won’t use a paper dollar. Too much writing on it. I don’t have time for a novel, I jus want to buy me a hot dog with it. Then again coins are too round. Probably jus use handshakes to pay for my transactions now. Ugh.”

Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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