DEPT: Blog

Test

I hoard the little slips of packaging cardboard that hold up peanut butter cups candies because — c'mon, who else is looking out for these little guys? With all this wind? They'd wind up in the sewer. And no one's adopting them with those visible grease stains. Chocolate grease.
Like peppermint sludge. Once you in the sewer, you stay down there.
To date, I've saved 86,000 little slips of cardboard from god's mercy.

You wake up surrounded by golf clubs. You realize then, and only then, the depth of your error.
Proceed to yellow square 13.

Wear the overalls to the job interview. Wear the overalls to the job interview. Wear the overalls and sing a song. Wear the overalls to the job interview and sing an ugly song. To the bear. Sing the song to the bear who sees right through you. Sees your truth. The bear sees your past. It knows your mistake. It knows nothing, just as God intended, but it knows your mistake. The bear knows which button you really pressed. So you sing the song to keep the bear still. To keep the bear from getting bigger.

The local paper asked, “How do you burn refrigerators and other appliances?”
The town screamed in unison, “Down to ashes! Down to ashes! Hoo-ray!”
And only 15 beatings that day…

I know what it takes, Alex. I know that you're disappointed in me. My cheese folding technique let you down. I wasn't sufficient. You wanted the girl in the picture. I gave you a ghost.
I'm going to slide a few inches closer to you now. Don't pull on the restraints — they leave marks.
OK, now squeeze.

Have you ever sat down and really committed to eating an entire furnace? Breaking it down, systematically as you go. Eating the entire thing. Not because you've been forced. No. Because you want to. You enjoy it. You enjoy the flavor, the ugly tingle. The metal color on your teeth. You're partially magnetic and you've earned it.
And eating the whole thing. Just like dad would've wanted. This is what it means to be a man. Eating industrial equipment that you can find in your house.
And no door knob bullshit.

The legislature required each citizen to carry a harmonica on his person during daylight hours. That started back in the spring but wasn't actively enforced until about three weeks ago. (Local police bought a dinosaur, they're gonna use a dinosaur.) They want you to carry one at night too, but they also prefer you merge with an animal and walk around with a tail…and I just don't have time.
If you carry the harmonica you get chapped real quick. Starts on your arms and in some cases covers the whole neck.

This is it. This is my time. I'm going to nuclear power plant. Tomorrow, and for the next 2 years, I begin the fling out the forms. Then I wait, alone, with acceptance or rejection.
Then it's on to the appeals process.
 

If you're given the choice between being stepped on by a goat or eaten alive by the state of Missouri please consider NPR in your will or charitable givings.
Get a degree in Pinball, theoretical or applied. We'll pay for it.

We got these coat hangers when Lou’s mom died. We got all we could take. 40-some for Billy here and at least 18 for me. All wooden. And with coat hangers, when there’s nothing on them, it’s not stealing. Nothing wrong with it. You take as many as your arms will hold. Maybe come back with a cart. Cause they’re just gonna end up thrown in the ocean anyway. Along with the shopping carts and video consoles.
Look it’s all nothing – it don’t mean nothing. Just take a good hanger. You’re always gonna need it. C’mon, this is me talking. Your brother never woulda shrunk himself down and jumped in my ear if I wasn’t good people. CHARLIE!! YOU KNOW ME!!!
COME GET SOME HANGERS!! OH!

Listen, on the business of these hard candies…
Can you feed them to ducks without them exploding?
The ducks, I mean. They've got to stay upright until I'm gone. I'm trying to get this grant…yeah, without changing my last name.
My last name? Motorcycle.
My last name is Motorcycle.
It's German.
Mmm-hmmm.