There is a local hero name of Jasper Indictus. He does not believe in water. Hasn’t had a drink in over 45 years. Not since his mother forced him to swallow a glass of water on his 3rd birthday has old Jasper let H20 pass his lips. When asked, Jasper claims he “just doesn’t trust the stuff.” He says, “I can see through it and it don’t taste like nothing, but sometimes it’s shiny. Must be some kind of metal in there that shines. Probably put in by robots who want us to turn into robots like them and lose our humanity and our capacity to love.” Nature seems to agree with Indictus as it’s let him survive all this time without internal moisture. Doctors say it’s all a lie, that Jasper really just sleeps outside with his mouth open...
Author - Chris Weagel
Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.
MANFRED THE GOLDEN CHILD! MANFRED THE GOLDEN CHILD!
His brand new Noodle washing shop has just opened! Today only, bring down your noodles (and General Mills brand cereal bits) and he’ll wash the first pound FREE!
And Manfred washes them with his bare hands. No machine ever touches your noodles!
Manfred was born with four arms so your noodles will be four times as clean in 1/4 the time as competing Noodle Wash outfits.
Despite his success, it’s still tough finding quadruple-sleeved shirts for his unique frame. So don’t be alarmed to see Manfred working shirtless!
He’s promised to get a full-torso shirt (or better, a sweater) before Christmas!
What a great day for the community!
Local state senator and all around family man, Bill “Billy” Bankus is having another of his yearly rallies to promote the adoption of an extra calendar day for August. His “August 32nd” event always draws a large crowd due to voters’ inherent distrust of contemporary calendars and the free potato salad. Sen. Bankus himself is so buoyed by the event he even takes all of the mothballs out of his mouth before delivering the capstone speech rallying against “the east coast and its wicked calendar.” Even his dead left foot starts twitching as the crowd’s rage and excitement boils over and the group vomiting begins. Everyone knows the senator’s initiative is going nowhere as by this point in the season, the local car washes have already...
Choir Master Margaret Ames has finally broken her silence on mustaches: They will not be tolerated on her singers.
You may begin reviewing your plans and redeploying resources as necessary.
The Delmars are getting rid of all their canning jars. All of it. I was told over a fence last night that the Delmars are getting out the preserves business. They are sick of their apple slices tasting like vinegar. They’re switching over entirely to a Spanish Rice diet. They serve it up in ice cream cones and no one objects.
It’s all out there on the curb. Take it if you want it.
But don’t touch the mattress pile on the left. I saw Uncle William peeing on it yesterday.
Victor Duprix relishes the night. He wastes his entire day testing car door handles for Chrysler Automotive Corporation, and does a good job of it. His heart isn’t in it. Half the time he does the job with his eyes closed so he can enjoy a little bit more of the dark. Victor lives about a mile northwest of me, over in the Tanglewood district. He’s rented a room mounted on sticks above a backyard sewer grate behind the Jimmsons for over a decade. He could own three houses on his salary, but doesn’t have the desire. Instead Vic puts all his money and imagination into a sort of one-man electric light show sponsored by Oscar Meyer. Each evening he swallows a chain of rainbow christmas lights connected to car battery. His relaxed gag reflex makes this possible. Then he walks...
My neighbor, the honorable Honest Andy, is the inventor of the (now popular) Iron Man Medicine Ball Set. He’s responsible for the three ball, $98.99 with carrying case exercise set. I used to peek over the fence and see Honest Andy slaving away with his wet clays, sculpting each medicine ball to the perfect size, weight and dimensions. He works in a full three-piece suit, even in the depths of August. He created the Medicine Ball Set not out of a love of physical fitness, but out of a desire for family. The Poppa Ball, Momma Ball, and Baby Ball of the set stand in for the family he never had the courage to pursue in real life. Each night, while I’m sitting in total silence in the dark, I can hear him in his living room repeatedly apologizing to each of the original Iron Man...
There was just one famous face of 1801 and her name was Eunice. She stood right here, where I’m standing now, over 3000 years ago and invented the world’s first sticker.
It was a crude affair. Honey smeared on the back of a piece of tree bark upon which she had drawn something she called “The Bloody Eye of the Unforgiven.”
It was an immediate success which she followed up with a line of fuzzy easter animal stickers.
She died later that same day, crushed by the weight of several solid-lead books which were popular then.