Author - Chris Weagel
Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.
Updates here at Human Dog will remain sparse through the end of the week due to all of the rodeo activity in town. A series of public falling outs, scandal, and uncontrolled ego have led to three concurrent, competing rodeos in town this fall. Loyalties are divided, relationships are stressed, eye contact is low, changing the subject is high.
Into the midst of this human drama is now thrown 48 crazed, ugly, rabid bulls. Each one with more power than a thousand suns. Each one eager to devour the beating heart of our finest Northern Cowboys. Sooner or later there’s going to be an “accident.” Sooner or later one of these things is going to get loose.
Thank god I still have a working jet pack.
A man named Erick who lives in the area, has been gifted with the cruel ability to see narrowly into the future. It’s nothing useful. He can’t predict natural disasters, nor can he prevent accidents or win the lottery. He also can’t foresee costly dental work as his teeth are green. Rain forest green. They look and smell like toenails. Anyway I digress. Old Erick cannot see very well into the future except when it comes to terribly useless things like what kind of prize will come tumbling out of a quarter machine’s plastic egg or how parades will end. He can’t tell you who the new Pope will be but he can safely predict you won’t like his Aunt’s casserole. Even though we both know how much it means to her. As a result of his uselessness, the town...
If only computers could be made more ridiculous and insulting. This is our prayer, as humans, that the computers become more foreign, more hideous.
I want a swallowable iPad.
The phrase “Barrel Full of Bull Frogs” is suffering due to overuse. CNN and FOX News are the worst offenders, with the Times and Post not far behind. Attached to everything from the struggles in Libya to a recent Papal visit, the phrase runs the risk of losing its connection to reality.
Specifically, my local social club/charity/old men’s organization primary method of service is literally filling a barrel with Bull Frogs and either dumping it on the heads of young cancer patients or forcing them to eat their way through it to get to the prize at the bottom (usually a pair of roller skates for those who still have legs or a $50 gift certificate for glitter and hair care products from Dusty’s Hygiene Emporium out on Route 18).
We’re a 501(c)3 organization.
I don’t understand how people can resist the temptation to eat coupons. Eat the paper coupons themselves. They often feature pictures of food and large, bold numbers. The inks are rich in minerals and chemicals that are strong enough to stay with you all day. The fine print snaps and tickles your mouth. And unlike eating the rest of the newspaper, coupons generally won’t fill your dreams with ghosts and prison scenes.
It started with the demonization of tubas. The nation has been in dire straits for 4 years now and the citizenry needed an enemy. The politicians pointed to the heavy, ungainly twists of brass and blamed them for the crisis. The fancy hats with tall feathers drew the ire of the fundamentalist Christians, concerned that such decoration distracts from scripture study and could lead to tickling. Finally those heavy, vertical xylophones, when played alongside the common clarinet were found to cause cancer of all within earshot. Look. Those with a desire to March will March. Those with a desire to Band will Band. The two activities will simply not be allowed to occur at the same time. Those with large private basements who can arrange their furniture in such a way as to provide an artificial...
We have to come to terms with the fact that some problems are unsolvable. Despite all our hard work and values, we are powerless to affect them.
Perhaps the worst of these problems is the tendency so many of our ice cream trucks have of spontaneously breaking free of the bounds of gravity and floating up and up until they pop or are swallowed whole by giant birds of the upper atmosphere.
Getting all the kids to hold onto the truck doesn’t stop it from floating away. Mixing lead pellets into the ice cream, which the factory is eager to do, won’t weigh it down. And as the heat of the Indian summer brings us closer to Halloween, prayer is all but useless.
We have to accept that America has limits.