It started with the demonization of tubas. The nation has been in dire straits for 4 years now and the citizenry needed an enemy. The politicians pointed to the heavy, ungainly twists of brass and blamed them for the crisis.

The fancy hats with tall feathers drew the ire of the fundamentalist Christians, concerned that such decoration distracts from scripture study and could lead to tickling.

Finally those heavy, vertical xylophones, when played alongside the common clarinet were found to cause cancer of all within earshot.

Look. Those with a desire to March will March. Those with a desire to Band will Band. The two activities will simply not be allowed to occur at the same time.

Those with large private basements who can arrange their furniture in such a way as to provide an artificial marching path may, if they so choose, parade around in circles playing horns and the like, provided all their neighbors are deaf.

Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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