Author - Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.


They cannot be reasoned with. They cannot be dealt with. They are unstoppable! They can slither under doors and operate heavy machinery! It’s too late for diplomacy! They’ll destroy all of us! They’re snakes! These are not happy people! They have no soul and no mercy! Run!

Morning Constitutional 03/02/11

Then there’s a third category: The Super Obese. North of 400 pounds opens up vistas few imagined existed. One becomes sensitive to textures, to the language and emotions of animals. Special shoes with reenforced ankles lead to style choices unique in the Western world.
The Super Obese gain the ability to digest metals and some develop a lust for sapphires. Often this becomes a problem as jewelry and appliances are no longer safe. Naturally this leads to an expansion of their prayer lives.
Because of their skills, such individuals are considered assets to a community. They prove supreme protection against volcanoes and against the Swedes.
I hope you’ve written all of this down.

Nightcap 03/01/11

Thirty minutes of dogs tearing each other apart while hurtling to the bottom of the ocean at the speed of sound in full color Japanese High Def (HD) and digital surround sound with a coffee table book and matching wind breaker on fire in the back corner of god’s gymnasium under the horrible spell of black soap and witches without any credit limit.
And ThunderThunder Thunder Always Thunder.


What the Republicans don’t understand is that we’re all in the same boat. You take one of us down, you take all of us. This unified everyone.
This is not a joke, not a story, not some nonsense post about talking birds – as fun as those are. This is reality. The rulers, the powers that be, the conservatives, they want only one thing from you: Total Submission. They will crush you and your family and your community into the earth if it will get them more power.

Worlds Collide

I haven’t even watched it yet and it’s the best thing I’ll see all week. This was not produced by
You’ve done it, Alex. You’ve finally been embraced by the odorous, corrupt, criminal media you’ve railed against for years.


Every time this year the town gathers its scrapbooks and photo albums and other bad memory signifiers and heaps them into a giant pile on the floor of the last remaining roller rink. Prayers are offered from the local deacons and then the entire affair is torched. A complex system of ventilation passages and chambers directs the ash and smoke outside while the PTA circles the fire on those old-type skates that require a key. On Thursday, that complex system of air replacement broke down. The PTA has been decimated with one surviving member confined to the town’s remaining Iron Lung for at least 14 months. Without the guidance of the Parent Teacher’s Association the school board has decided to suspend the remainder of the school year and put the children to study at home on...