Author - Chris Weagel
Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.
Scott Walker is labor’s BEST FRIEND since Jimmy Hoffa, in a perverse sense. He’s going to go down in history as the guy who broke the glass and pulled the alarm on all out class war in America. A war the people are going to win this time. The Democrats should trademark his stupid face and have it etched on urinal cakes and distributed nationwide… Look at the face of this delusional man whose misguided, strong-arm tactics will help end the Republican party in America for good this time. Gov. Scott Walker seems intent on pouring gasoline on the class war, but it’s only going to burn his own political career to the ground, bring his political party into a fight with its own fucking citizenry—that it can’t possibly win!—and see him go down in history as one of America’s single biggest...
Attention fellow peasants: please lay out your ponchos on the driveway for air drying. Remove your necklaces and place any and all false or loose teeth in a decorative pattern resembling a smiling face near the poncho neck hole.
Reach your arms up high and close eyes tightly. Hold this position for 15 minutes. You will feel bees swarming you with good emotions and tiny paint brushes. When the vibrations end you will awaken with multiple new faux moles painted in unreported areas of your sovereign body.
Also upon opening your eyes you will be inside a bowling alley/car wash. Please proceed to the front desk to rent shoe wax.
Sold the gold teeth from earlier today and bought a bag of miniature horses.
In this photo I am posing with one of the tiny horses sometime later this year.
State Assembly Democrats held hearings 24 hours a day, for days on end. I testified at one of those hearings among teachers and state employees. I testified at 1:30 in the morning and the room was packed for the three hours I was there. There were special education teachers testifying with tears in their eyes that they needed their unions to protect them because sometimes they get injured on the job by the children they care for, and they need to know they will be taken care of. A Milwaukee teacher testified that she secretly visited a community food bank every week to feed her family of five, since her husband lost his union manufacturing job in 2009. The most amazing part about that story was that her fellow teachers who traveled with her to Madison did not know her secret. The whole...
A Morning of Genuine Gold Teeth
I wish I could travel 750 years into the future to just get past this mess. I’d lose a lot of people I care about but at the same time it’d be so freeing. All of this nightmare would be over and done with. I could look back and see how it all unraveled without having to suffer through the sheer tedium of it all. Then I’d turn from the crystal gazing ball and lock arms with a mer-person (who by that time had evolved to breathe oxygen and spend short amounts of time on dry land) and journey up the mountains made of yogurt. I’d learn of his peoples and their struggle. I’d train in their ways and understand their injustice at the hands of the pharaoh man. I would begin to craft my own spears. Present day earth and America and therapeutic massage classes would...
There isn't any choice at this point. I have to keep going forward and upward and with the occasional loop-de-loop. A thousand calamities and children without socks lie behind me. If I turn to look back just once I will be turned to stone, broken into driveway gravel and sold off for pieces. To accompany me I've made arrangements for a team of trumpeters and men dressed as sharks to follow behind me. Leading this parade will be a donkey of unquestionable character and intelligence. I may call him Charles, you will call him Mr. Lazlo. We won't make many stops save for illegal firework tents and teeth washing stations. It will not be a journey of cherry pie and smiles. It will put to test all of the lies I've been telling fortune tellers to win my money back. I'll have to develop the...