04/25/24

Author - Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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GOAT CONFUSION

03/15/11
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The fact that most goats look alike, to begin with, makes distinguishing them hard enough. But the fact that, when placed in a group of 2 or more, they start to change their colors to match one another -- why it makes finding your family goat impossible. Which do you feed garbage and which do you milk? And just hope it doesn't happen on camera.

So What I Do Is, what I do is teach my goats to speak. Just like a human. So they can answer commands and call out, "I'm right here, daddy, I'm right here. Nevaeh is right here."

Nevaeh. That's "Heaven" backwards, but that's a different matter.

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SIR, NO, I OBJECT

03/15/11
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Sir, it is NOT in Vermont's best interest to paint the wildlife various shades of electric yellow. Even if it will benefit the state's prison population, there isn't enough in the budget to trap and release all river fish by hand let alone afford the waterproof paint! This is an outrage!

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Morning Constitutional 03/15/11

03/15/11
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And so the call goes out: nail the stuffed animals to the telephone polls. From the ground to the sky, all sides, all shapes, all colors. And then bring the rains. Let them sag and soak and mildew. Let them shift and blend and deform and hang in ways unnatural to civilized men. Let this happen in front of the children.

And when the sparrows sing and the sky clears and the earth is calm, there they will be as reminder of our victory.

This we pray.

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4:45 CHECK IN

03/14/11
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Finally a surgeon appeared. "What have you done with him," I said. "It's OK, Mr. Weagel. Your friend is doing much better now." "Where is he?! Goddamn You!" "He's resting," the doctor said, putting a hand to his brow. "There's nothing to be excited about." They'd cut him open like a turtle on the moon, I was sure of it. "What did you do to him? He's a man, dammit, like you or I." "I assure you, he's quite unlike any man you've ever met." "What did you do to him?!" "We've replaced his major organs with replicas made of solid gold. Increased his appetite. Stand him near a microwave next chance you get, he'll predict the future." "You're a butcher!" "Hardly. Now let me see about those forearms." He reached towards me without blinking. Instinctively, I handed him my credit cards and personal...

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NO SYMPATHY

03/13/11
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When the Typing Class realizes that they are the Working Class, and that the current day Rockefellers and Duponts and Carnegies don't give a damn about your concerns, then maybe change will happen. You are on the killing floor - you are just staring at a computer screen instead of a beef carcass or an engine or an assembly line.

Just because you can type doesn't elevate you over a mechanic. Have no sympathy for your ovelords.

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