Attention fellow peasants: please lay out your ponchos on the driveway for air drying. Remove your necklaces and place any and all false or loose teeth in a decorative pattern resembling a smiling face near the poncho neck hole.

Reach your arms up high and close eyes tightly. Hold this position for 15 minutes. You will feel bees swarming you with good emotions and tiny paint brushes. When the vibrations end you will awaken with multiple new faux moles painted in unreported areas of your sovereign body.

Also upon opening your eyes you will be inside a bowling alley/car wash. Please proceed to the front desk to rent shoe wax.

Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

View all posts

Add comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *