01/12/25

Author - Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 05/31/11

05/31/11
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On Friday we received a nasty letter from Reader's Digest Magazine. It practically ruined the entire holiday for us. I don't want to go into the details of the letter - they're very ugly. Let's just say it used extremely inappropriate language when addressing an 11-year subscriber. The tone was foul and the references to foster care crude and uncalled for.

Our family did its best to salvage the weekend and honor our country with ample grilling, but looming over everything were the unexpected, unjustified accusations of the Digest's editorial board. Awful.

NIGHTCAP 05/27/11

05/27/11
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The upcoming Memorial Day holiday reminds us to step back and take stock of all the furniture we've destroyed - accidentally, intentionally, or otherwise - over the last year. Remember the end tables, the emergency cots, the love seats, the deck chairs, the ottomans, the hassocks - all shattered and splintered and piled in the front yard and burned after each of the year's many debilitating personal defeats. And as a tribute to those coffee tables that have gone before, use an electric hammer to nail your remaining furniture to the ceiling and abandon house living altogether. Retreat to the forest where the furniture began as simple trees. Lose the ability to speak in coherent sentences and stop cutting your hair. Burn your clothing and throw rocks at any friends from your former life. Do...

DELBERT STATUS UPDATE

05/27/11
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All of the forty-three people named Delbert currently standing in my office behind me are doing fine.

All of the forty-three people named Delbert currently standing in my office behind me are also imaginary.

INTERNATIONAL BADMINTON CONTROVERSY

05/27/11
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Badminton’s world governing body now finds itself on the defensive, accused of trying to sell a sport by showing more leg and skin.

NYTIMES.COM SOURCE

I'm still waiting on the Human Dog legal department before issuing any formal opinions on this recent controversy in the world of High-Stakes, Professional Level, Mixed League Badminton.

But I will say this: Badminton was conceived as a social activity centered around the violent thrashing, back and forth, of a simulated bird corpse. It is intended to bring people together, not drive them apart.

Morning Constitutional 05/27/11

05/27/11
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The Item: Weighted Sleeping Boots
Purported Health Benefits: Encourages deeper sleep, reduces cramping, prevents feet from floating away during the night
Usage: Easy to put on, Velcro straps save time wasted on lacing, challenging to fill with sand or water while wearing boots due the side-mounted filling valves, may require extra blankets to fully cover increased foot size, comfortable interior feels like your feet are inside a high quality pool shoe not a dead person’s skin
Concerns: Tricksters filling boots with helium during the night may result in sleeper being suspended upside down from ceiling for extended amounts of time
FDA Recommendation: Pending review

What You’re Hoping For

05/26/11
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What you're hoping for is the city you've just moved to has extremely restrictive ordinances limiting the keeping of caged birds outdoors on your property. This will be all the justification you need to fill your entire apartment/home with thousands of uncaged, loving pigeons.

Citing these laws will also help you win any arguments with loved ones.

MERCURY IN YOUR SWEDISH FISH

05/26/11
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For thirteen years in the early part of the 20th century, three prominent automobile companies in Michigan cooperatively undertook a project to force feed area children battery acid runoff and assorted excess chemicals from their manufacturing plants and laboratories. These companies did not undertake this project in secret. Quite the opposite, they boasted about the service they were providing the community and the positive effects such a diet would have on the children's future scholastic and athletic achievement. Turns out they were right. But too right. These children, numbering at least 42,000, all grew to heights between 16-17' and had expansive IQs well beyond the 180 Genius level. Although some of the children were able to make positive use of such gifts, lifting tractors out of...