MERCURY IN YOUR SWEDISH FISH

For thirteen years in the early part of the 20th century, three prominent automobile companies in Michigan cooperatively undertook a project to force feed area children battery acid runoff and assorted excess chemicals from their manufacturing plants and laboratories. These companies did not undertake this project in secret. Quite the opposite, they boasted about the service they were providing the community and the positive effects such a diet would have on the children’s future scholastic and athletic achievement.

Turns out they were right. But too right. These children, numbering at least 42,000, all grew to heights between 16-17′ and had expansive IQs well beyond the 180 Genius level. Although some of the children were able to make positive use of such gifts, lifting tractors out of ditches and breaking enemy codes and the like, most suffered hideously.

Physics being what it is, their legs, although enlarged, would often not be strong enough to support their massive upper bodies. Bedridden, but too heavy for furniture, they were confined to fruit cellars and basements where their screams rattled the foundation.

The children’s enhanced brains processed information too quickly and in too many dimensions to maintain civil communication with adults. Terrible headaches brought forth terrible blasphemies from their mouths with homemade lobotomies the only recourse.

The program was eventually ended, with most of the children set aflame while bathing or driven off midwestern cliffs by wolves riding donkeys. Henry Ford reportedly kept one who was proficient with a sword. This Man-Boy was chained up in the kitchen and spent the remainder of his days preparing fruit plates and pineapple boats for events at Greenfield Village.

Today most of the chemicals produced at the surviving auto plants are dumped directly into the Great Lakes just across the International Canadian Border. Reproduction is discouraged among the general population with the aim of depopulating the state completely by 2065 and returning it to Territorial/Indian Country Status.

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About Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn’t. He can’t stand that shit.

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