Well going around to each and every one of my neighbor's houses and lighting their mail on fire has finally come back to haunt me. As the only person on my block in possession of up to date discount restaurant coupons, as delivered by our proud and honorable postal carriers, I have control over the weekend eating fortunes of approximately 150 people. It's only a matter of time before they all - everyone of them - show up at my door demanding their share of "Free Entree of Equal or Lesser Value" vouchers. How am I to decide who gets the free breadsticks coupon to the Fish Barrel? Who am I to decide who gets the free breadsticks coupon to Fish Barrel? How can I possibly determine which family is deserving of 15% off their total bill at Randy's BBQ Pig Parts Pit and which family should get...
Author - Chris Weagel
Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.
Phil Neuenfeld, president of Wisconsin AFL-CIO on the Debt Deal: This deeply flawed legislation amounts to capitulation to a reckless group of ideologues willing to sacrifice America's credibility to advance their extreme political agenda. The resulting cuts will inflict needless pain on already overburdened working families, while rewarding the super-rich with irresponsible and unpatriotic tax breaks. This bad deal will derail economic recovery, further undermining the middle class. History shows we cannot cut our way to prosperity. Contrary to Republican rhetoric, we are facing an employment crisis, not a debt crisis. The United States' government needs to put people first by investing in local communities and jobs. Slashing programmes that are helping working families stay afloat...
Why on earth was I supposed to care about Rep. Gabby Giffords returning to vote yes on the toxic debt deal in the US House of Representatives? That was obviously thrown out there as a feel good distraction from the atrocity being committed through legislation. As though I was stupid enough to just forget all about cuts to medicare and domestic spending and authority being handed to a super-congressional committee because a woman who was shot in the head in January, survived long enough to cast a vote for something that will seriously fuck up my own life. I'm supposed to feel great about full-blown fascism taking hold due to a collection of utterly worthless peon, racist citizens with a tea obsession who voted en-masse last November to further impoverish themselves and me because it had...
My windmill brings me much peace. It spins and spins and I watch it so. There are days when it is fast and days when it is slow. There are days yet where its blades are helped along by a team of little gremlins wearing matching jerseys. You have to squint to see them but they're there. Squinting's about all I do since the state broke both my hands. They don't want me making any more drawings of their high-power officials. They know I draw with the right hand but they broke the left as well as they figured I was keen on learning to write with both should the need arise. So now I just sit and watch the windmill. Spin and spin. And I figure if I watch long enough I will transported back through time to when I first learned what a windmill was and learned its ways. I learned that I had a...
Smiling Nitwits are my niche specialty in the Stock Photography World. I handle costuming, location scouting, scenario development and talent-prodding. I photograph them using all digital equipment that requires little touch-up after the fact. These photos are used on everything from Banking websites to Sweatshirts for the infirm. My bestsellers are photos of happy-go-lucky dimwits enjoying beverages with straws. Second to those are brainless shits grilling meats in backyards. Surprisingly, shirtless men covered in welts surrounded by dogs come in third. I don't question any of it. Stock Photography creation is an amoral pursuit. You do it and it is done. Your work may be used to promote a charity or a credit scam. It is not your concern or worry. Next week I take the smiling nitwits to a...
The fish are on fire! The fish are on fire!
[Turns out the fish are on fire.]
We're going to start putting everything - and I mean everything - into sensible plastic tubs. With lids. I've bought hundreds of them. All sizes. The rest are getting donated. Everything gets put in a stackable plastic tub, that's clearly labeled. Shoes, pens, lego blocks, extra door knobs, fresh lettuce, the couch, all of it. I'm sick of living like a dog! I will have order. All order based on a grid! Everything in a space all its own. And when one goes missing, when one thing hasn't been checked out according to procedure, I will know. And I will punish the fool who disrupted my order. I will break their smile. I do this for my sanity's well-being as well as my items' well-being. My collection of little porcelain sleeping raccoons will have a little house that doesn't let in fresh air...
My computer chip-enabled band-aid brand bandages offer the wearer the soothing sounds of their favorite Television Show Theme Song with just a gentle tap on the bandage's spongy-square surface. The receptor in this area is extremely sensitive and can often be triggered by the brushing of clothing or a cruel pinch from a rambunctious sibling. If you're suffering from a splitting headache or just tire of hearing the Rockford Files theme song but still need to cover an un-healed flesh gouge you can switch the bandage's computer chip into ICU mode. Now, instead of a TV theme song playing when touched, your bandage will softly emit Guinea Pig sounds steadily throughout the day. The gentle, confused, thoroughly non-human chirping sounds of the Guinea Pig will calm your nerves and provide a...