Tag Archives: st clair shores
MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 08/09/11

MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 08/09/11

This morning is a good morning. I know it is so because upon looking out the window, my first sight was a long, healthy line at the Pancake Man’s cart. And the majority of those in line had brought their own plates and silvers. In these trying times, we as a community need to support our local businesses. Three separate cart vendors (two pineapple and one live snake) have gone under or been chased violently out of the county over the last year. Theirs is a noble art and necessary business. The fact that our community still embraces Pancake Man Jamison, despite the griddle fire that resulted in over 40% of his upper body being replaced with metal robot parts, tells you everything about the charitable character of our fair town.

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MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 06/20/11

MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 06/20/11

Summer heat has driven the Great Lakes’ mightiest mammals inland to escape the boiling surface water. I’m talking Lake Bears and Water Skinks. Being mammals, they must come up for air every so often. That means passing through the top thirty feet of clear water that, due to temperatures, could boil most pastas in under thirty minutes. Oh it’s true. And horrible for property values. The Lake Bears are especially dangerous. Not so much when they’re on land. They mostly just lay about drinking sap and eating whatever you throw onto the compost heap. No, what’s really treacherous is their arrival. Wanting to spend as little time passing through the boiling zone as possible, the Lake Bears use their hind fins to gather speed in the dark, bleak lake depths, shooting out of the water like rockets and without care or concern for their landings. The thick layers of blubber coating their undersides protects the Lake Bears from harm. Their impact, however, thanks to the curse of physics, is enough to crash through most sunrooms, enclosed patios and carports. Individual autos don’t fare much better under the weight of a plummeting Lake Bear, further contributing to the area’s terrible insurance rates. Even a lowly Water Skink can crush a jungle gym with the wrong impact angle. The mayor’s water surface netting hasn’t solved anything so this August we’re voting on whether to drain the lake entirely and declare ourselves Victims of God’s Hatred. That’s a legal classification I understand comes with substantial federal compensation.

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Morning Constitutional 06/06/11

Morning Constitutional 06/06/11

It is not a quiet time. The annual dairy bar riots are getting louder. The parking lot dirt pilings growing higher. What really has me concerned, though, is the alarming number of high profile assassinations at graduation ceremonies this year. Until recently, they targeted vocal members of the school board or seemingly unrelated grounds workers. But as of last weekend, 13 graduates have fallen. 13 Salutatorians, 13 Impromptu memorials. The most awkward aspect is the necessity to complete the ceremony. The parents have assembled, the choir has been watered, there’s no turning back. Usually the school superintendent makes some brief remarks about unpredictable twists on the road of life and holds another moment of silence. Then members of the track team get their diplomas early and are dismissed to go beat Central. Official policy blames the drug war but everyone knows the assassinations are the work of Maoist rebels. It’s feared that acknowledging their involvement gives them legitimacy. They already control all the 7-11s in the North end. I don’t have any beef with them. They make great Deer Jerky.

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PUNCHING FESTIVAL

PUNCHING FESTIVAL

We’re only a few weekends away from the annual St. Clair Shores Punching Festival. It’s a great time of seasoned meats and pure aggression. We as a community store up most of our rage through the dark, cold months, then erupt every June in a fury of punches directed at abandoned cars, old furniture and civil servants. Everyone is given a 12 hour pass by local law enforcement so long as nothing gets burned. And even then, if they do catch you torching a tool shed, the most the cops do is sucker punch you in the kidneys a few times and leave you in a heap. It’s a great time and the local merchants love the extra foot traffic. Drive over or bring the boat if you can and we’ll bloody our knuckles against a bust of old St. Issac down at the abandoned Catholic church. The festival underscores the severe, eternal truth of Southeast Michigan: There is no Escape.

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Morning Constitutional 05/18/11

Morning Constitutional 05/18/11

Happy Jim was unique among the lunatics in our fine town. He stood out not because of looks or demeanor but solely because of ability. Happy Jim was able to digest any substance. Anything. He also had enormous patience and great mechanical skill. He also had a love of music. As a result, he methodically went from tavern to tavern, from bar to bar, slowly and carefully dismantling their jukebox music machines and eating each part. He continued on this path, day after day, until everything was gone. No more dancing, only silence. The barkeeps actually welcomed this as they secretly hated our town and its people. They wanted retribution and got it by eliminating a primary source of the town’s musical pleasure. In many cases, shortly after Happy Jim’s work, the establishments mysteriously burned down and the owners quietly exited to Texas and Arizona, never looking back or calling. Suffering another humiliation at the hands of the business class, the locals finally rose up and destroyed Happy Jim, the absent music no longer soothing their crude, bestial rage. The mob broke up his jaw and buried it in five separate locations and continue to mock his style of dress to this day. We’ve since lost 18% of the population and now can only afford to keep the street lights on every other night.

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IT CAN HAPPEN HERE

IT CAN HAPPEN HERE

Bubble Wand confiscation began in earnest today by local authorities. They’re acting on orders of the Feds. Door to door, house to house. If they find the kids hiding them, under the bed or with their dollies, immediate arrest and mandatory 18-month sentence. You think your daughter’s tears slow down these thugs? Most of these guys just got done doing the same thing in Iraq, back to back tours. You know what comes after this: Patriot Re-Education Camps. And you were silent.

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Nightcap 05/09/11

Nightcap 05/09/11

The city has begun using that new invisible paint on abandoned and foreclosed properties. They cover a house very quickly. As it dries, the structure vanishes, leaving only a stained, concrete slab and whatever children’s toys were left in the yard visible. Then the town historian comes by with her camera and snaps photos for the postcard rack at the library.

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Morning Constitutional 04/12/11

Morning Constitutional 04/12/11

Tragedy has struck again in St Clair Shores as the Central District Dairy Queen has burned to the ground. Authorities are not certain what caused the fire, though they’ve ruled out sabotage. Due to the explosive nature of the Pineapple Syrup, trawlers reported the fireball could be seen miles from shore. No employees were hurt but the store parakeet, Sandy, perished in her cage next to the Dilly Bar machine. The many Little League and junior Field Hockey teams the store served have been dividing up amongst the town’s other 18 ice cream stands and hot pretzel carts. Not the best start to the season.

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