Tag Archives: american dream
NIGHTCAP 07/05/11

NIGHTCAP 07/05/11

If I start up a discount electronics store I will have access to as many free economy-sized Microwave Ovens as I please. The only downside is, I’d have to live with the appliances, making them my family. A cold, electric, probably Japanese-speaking family. I already have enough Samurai uncles. I can’t do it. Your honor, I plead Guilty.

Leave a comment Continue Reading →
Nightcap 06/15/11

Nightcap 06/15/11

Ten years ago I started posting videos of fat men here on Human Dog. That was followed by a Captain who never left dry land. And then some home movies and some adventures with Sara and her cats. Later the emphasis shifted to improving our science scores. That involved lots of yelling. That led to an in depth investigation into the rotting belch of the American character that was abruptly cut off like a mechanical kidney on a Sunday evening. Today I spend my time helping the elderly and infirm tear pieces of paper into little strips and then place them in their mouths for extended periods of time. For this, I’m called a Patriot. I just call it lucky.

1 Comment Continue Reading →
Morning Constitutional 05/25/11

Morning Constitutional 05/25/11

You will encounter certain people in life who refuse to put any kind of reasonable effort into whatever job you may be working on together. They will also resent your extra effort and commitment. They will undercut and undermine your efforts and ridicule the very notion of dedication and hard work at every opportunity. What these walking shits fail to recognize is that quality, engaging, and robust miniature golf courses do not build themselves. They do not maintain themselves. The cement elephant will not paint itself pink each spring. The candles in the giant skull don’t relight on their own after each thunderstorm. These details take discipline to achieve and maintain. These are the details and polish that set your miniature golf course apart from Uncle Walley’s backyard affair with the upside down wheel barrel and overflowing drainage ditch. The extra effort it takes to make your miniature golf course a destination point for people driving in from Ohio is the extra effort that put a McDonald’s on the moon. The ignorant, worthless shits will bask in its glory but will hate you because they lack the ability to truly achieve in the roadside attraction arena. Never miss an opportunity to tell their children their DNA is diseased.

Leave a comment Continue Reading →
Morning Constitutional 05/19/11

Morning Constitutional 05/19/11

I’d like to dig a huge hole, push western civilization into it and cover it with 45,000lbs of sand and concrete. Self-congratulatory morning radio was the winner this time.

Leave a comment Continue Reading →
Morning Constitutional 04/25/11

Morning Constitutional 04/25/11

Ever since Nine-Eleven I’ve been hoarding American flags. Full-size, 50-star, Double Vinyl US-American Flags, yes sir! Whenever I’d get some extra money I’d buy a few. I’d wait till after dark and never buy more than two at a time and spread my purchases across multiple stores through four counties. Didn’t want to cause any concern, didn’t want to make a stir. Never, ever bought any online. Not right. Now we come to the question of storage. As of Easter Sunday, I own forty-six thousand American flags. More than I want, not as many as I need. The closets are full, the attic is bursting, all the cubby holes have been filled and the front window displays – why as inventive as Nancy is with them – have become stale with the integration of so many flags into holidays that require only four or five. I’ve got flags in the garage and in the shed and inside the boat and strapped to the reverse side of the fan blades. Billy’s locker at school’s got flags in it and little Suzy I make carry around an arm full at all times, even with the limp. Come the end of the month I’ll be renting a third storage locker and filling it primarily with American flags (that and baby clothes, Nancy has a bit of a problem herself). By this point I assumed I’d have received some kind of metal or citation for my work. As of this writing, despite appearing on the front page of the Sentinel Newspaper three separate times for my patriotism, I have not been awarded anything more than discount car wash coupons. But I don’t do it for the glory. I do it for all the brave men and women – fire fighters, police officers, enlisted men, park rangers – who’ve been eaten alive by sharks. Hoarding American Flags is the best way to honor their sacrifice and not nearly as creepy as buying plastic limbs.

Leave a comment Continue Reading →
Morning Constitutional 04/21/11

Morning Constitutional 04/21/11

In the history of Spectacular Car Jumps none has matched the sheer power of Randall Williams’ 1988 Ohio County Triple Jump. Surviving spectators are few and those who will openly speak of it are rarer still, but from published accounts and depositions we can piece together this important piece of American Daredeviltry. It should be noted that Mr. Williams was legally blind at the time of the jump and had a revoked license in neighboring counties…and was part snake. But he had no fear, as well as a large number of outstanding debts at local Carpet wholesalers. Until that time the law had only sanctioned jumping over two groupings of the elderly or one numbered collection of unwed pregnant women at a time. No one had possessed the audacity to attempt both in a single jump. Then, due to his ugliness, Randall created further outrage by adding in a lot of 18 orphans holding the county’s rare plant collection. The physics of launching a 14,000 lbs Dodge Caravan are not pretty. But little in American legend can be called beautiful. It’s said Randall left the ramp traveling well in excess of the required 77mph, an onion slice clenched in his jaw. Why God chose to place the jumping track so close to the hot air balloon testing grounds, no one can say. But as remarkable as witnessing one of the midwest’s largest mid-air hydrogen explosions must be, no amount of praying automatically increases a region’s burn unit centers in a single afternoon. Being a religious area, officials considered the loss of life so great that local high schools eventually skipped a graduating class year in honor Of the victims despite their bastardly status. It is reported that Hollywood is making a movie about this event to star funny man Martin Lawrence, goddamn them.

Leave a comment Continue Reading →
HD LAB ENTRY #28: The Draft, pt.4

HD LAB ENTRY #28: The Draft, pt.4

My Parents Conclude.

2 Comments Continue Reading →