Morning Constitutional 04/21/11

In the history of Spectacular Car Jumps none has matched the sheer power of Randall Williams’ 1988 Ohio County Triple Jump. Surviving spectators are few and those who will openly speak of it are rarer still, but from published accounts and depositions we can piece together this important piece of American Daredeviltry.

It should be noted that Mr. Williams was legally blind at the time of the jump and had a revoked license in neighboring counties…and was part snake. But he had no fear, as well as a large number of outstanding debts at local Carpet wholesalers.

Until that time the law had only sanctioned jumping over two groupings of the elderly or one numbered collection of unwed pregnant women at a time. No one had possessed the audacity to attempt both in a single jump. Then, due to his ugliness, Randall created further outrage by adding in a lot of 18 orphans holding the county’s rare plant collection.

The physics of launching a 14,000 lbs Dodge Caravan are not pretty. But little in American legend can be called beautiful. It’s said Randall left the ramp traveling well in excess of the required 77mph, an onion slice clenched in his jaw. Why God chose to place the jumping track so close to the hot air balloon testing grounds, no one can say. But as remarkable as witnessing one of the midwest’s largest mid-air hydrogen explosions must be, no amount of praying automatically increases a region’s burn unit centers in a single afternoon. Being a religious area, officials considered the loss of life so great that local high schools eventually skipped a graduating class year in honor Of the victims despite their bastardly status.

It is reported that Hollywood is making a movie about this event to star funny man Martin Lawrence, goddamn them.

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About Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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