Certain animals are more trustworthy than others.
Let that sink in. Think it over. You might need to make some calls.
Sugar Mites are more honest than Walruses. Black Squirrels will level with you about a borrowed/stolen car sooner than Gray Squirrels. A Slice of Toast will call you after every TV appearance – even court shows – but a Prairie Dog acts like it's doing you a favor if it resists the urge to bite through your ankles in search of gold. And the old wives tales are true: a Framed Photo of Joseph Stalin will take your secrets to the grave and an Inside Out Fish makes for a great public defender.

Scarecrow Season is upon us. Of course I'm not ready. It always sneaks up on me. Next thing I know those charming scarecrows that have until now stood in our corn fields, silent and inert, will have come to life and be pounding on my door looking for paying work. Never fails. And it's not cute. You'd think it'd be neat. No. (shakes head) They smell. They have an odor like rain and ripe melons. Some of them are infested with field mice or soil lobsters. They're always apologizing about their stuffing falling out of their sleeve into your cup. And they all got a story. Oh god. “I wasn't always like this. There was an evil wizard. There was a witch. I'll do anything to end this curse.” Bullshit. They won't do shit. They can't hold a hammer...

You don't come across too many monster truck jump watercolors. Don't misunderstand me – they exist. We've all seen them hanging in our podiatrist's waiting room. But at garage sales, flea markets and hustler swaps, it's just vinyl stickers of kids peeing while they give you the finger. A framed 11×14 of Towasaurus Wrex crushing a giant stone carved word, “Radical,” would really finish off my half-bath.

Pinball machine design has really taken a fall in recent years. The industry's biggest event in 2011 was the unveiling of a patent attorney-themed machine (starring Burt Reynolds???) and so far in 2012 we've seen nothing but product recalls, service problems and thin promises of a 2013 “inspired by the world of attendance taking.”
…I'm going to ask them to remove me from the mailing list.

It was very important for my friend V to get command of a hot air balloon. He claimed he heard a rumor about gold ingots being kept inside the heads of giraffes. We had to get going immediately. “I don't want those filthy giraffes puking my gold down the sewer,” V explained. “I've never been so insulted in my life.” V also demanded the balloon be covered in the Kodak film logo or be shaped and colored like a ham. All this on a Sunday. “I'm going to throw out sets of new car keys as we pass over playgrounds. I want 3rd graders behind the wheel. It's all about giving back.” I had just worked up the courage to let go of the storm door when V cancelled the whole trip. “It's all off. I've been given the opportunity to be...