Bubble Wand confiscation began in earnest today by local authorities. They're acting on orders of the Feds. Door to door, house to house. If they find the kids hiding them, under the bed or with their dollies, immediate arrest and mandatory 18-month sentence.
You think your daughter's tears slow down these thugs? Most of these guys just got done doing the same thing in Iraq, back to back tours.
You know what comes after this: Patriot Re-Education Camps. And you were silent.
I have two things in my freezer:
Stouffer's Single Serving Lean Cuisine Lasagna and Napoleon's Last Wig.
There’s still money to be made in the Bumper Sticker industry. Don’t believe what you hear on CNBC; we are on the brink of a Bumper Sticker resurgence. People will be putting them on pets (the kind you can walk on a leash, not one of those novelty pets like an eel or typewriter). Bumper stickers will be everywhere. What’s fueling this interest in rectangular, UV-resistant, vinyl stickers featuring often-crude, obnoxious and illiterate sloganeering? A fear of missing out. That, and the invention/discovery of three new curse words is driving hordes of your fellow citizens to trade shows, truck stops, and the back page “personals” section of Modern Knifer magazine desperate to hand over real, American cash for Stickers mocking gun control advocates and Wiccans...
The last Supercuts Beauty Parlor and Haircut Center was burned to the ground last night. The citizens had had enough. Count me in.
Their discount hair fashioning, coupon books and promises of personal reinvention were enough to make a mother wretch.
I’ve never been so uncomfortable with a stranger touching my head as I was when I got my head shave there for the last 18 years.
Good riddance.
Name your favorite house plant Howard and keep it separate from the other plants.
Keep the name to yourself. When your family asks why you’re out of work and why you arrange your plants this way, say, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I will now go sit in the attic.”
The next time you have visitors, hang up a sheet hiding the plants. Distract your company with the pool table in the basement.
Under no circumstances tell them the names you’ve given to the furniture.
Remain calm. Await further instruction.
